Memoirs with Jeremy

In the beginning I bargained with God; please take me I will sacrifice my life for Jeremy’s, please not him take me.  I bargained, I would plead my case and I begged for my son to return and in exchange I would happily give my life so that my son could live.

I am not unlike any other mom.  I know we have all done this, in fact, many times through the course of our tragedy and especially at the inception of our children’s transition.

Now I reflect upon this dismal hope of Jeremy returning with eyes of surreal reality and I realize that his destiny was charted long ago.  I see clearly now that I too have sacrificed my life as I knew it in return for the beautiful gift of being Jeremy’s mom for twenty-six years; I regard it as an honor to be his mom.

I have, like you, have sacrificed many precious years with my son.  Now the cross we bear as parents is that for the remainder of our journey we will continue to sacrifice our old way of life with our children and find our way to a “new normal”.

I would do it again.  I would go through the excruciating pain and turmoil, confusion and even the darkness to be able to have those few years with my son.

To survive being left behind I try not to focus on my cross that I carry now, I know longer frequent Midnight and I do try to find anything that has a positive connotation to it; no matter how small.

The most precious thing I find, even though a paradox, is the blissful years of being Jeremy’s mom and I thank him now often that he chose me to share his life experience while on earth. 

Jeremy’s friends and family’s love for him has no measure, no boundaries and is limitless.  He touched every person he came in contact with and left those knowing that they had met a man true to his word and true to himself.  I don’t think I realized the impact he made in this world until his departure.  I was astounded to find friends all across the nation that I had never had the chance to meet, the men of uniform, who held my son in high esteem.  I will and forever will be grateful for the outpouring of their hearts.  I truly know that no time soon will Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC be forgotten.

It is amazing to me still the strength and powerful energy my son has.  He was such a powerful individual in his physical body but his non-physical body is even more powerful and the loving impact it has is beautiful, reassuring and comforting.

It is enlightening to my soul and permeates my being when I encounter the supernatural.  When I was young I was told that God could see everything at all times and is everywhere in all things.  I never understood this until I matured spiritually.  God being omnipotent isn’t as mysterious to me as it once was. 

I see God in every tree, every flower and every blade of grass.  I see God in all things as in the energy that every living thing is made of and in every fabric of our Universe which places his Spirit everywhere at all times making us all one with the Universe and Universal Love.

I have always believed in life after death; not sure why, but I have as far back as I can remember.  I am so thankful I had this belief system before my son’s physical departure into the “beyond”.  I have mentioned before that Jeremy has worked very hard to prove to me that he lives on and is happier than I could ever imagine.  His precise words to me one day were “there are no earthly words to describe the happiness and love that is here”.

I focus on these ideas and beliefs because they do bring me closer to Jeremy and brings me the strength to survive such a tragic mishap to my son.  It brings me peace knowing that my son is but a breath away.  

For me to survive this is to know that his life here was temporary and on the other side of the veil his spirit lives on forever.

These are the positive things I look for in life now.  My positive outlook before was more of a mental mantra of things of this world.  I now know how short lived the material world is. 

To me the most important thing we can do is to extend love and compassion one to the other and never judge.  We do not know the hardships our personal paths and journeys bring each of us and I believe from the bottom of my heart that if we stay in a mode of “the spirit in me honors the spirit in you” we would travel our paths without so many bumps and pitfalls.

I know we each survive in our own ways and in our own timing and I share as one survivor helping another to survive.  I pray that my intentions of love and understanding reaches others to give a helping hand out of the Midnight my son had the wisdom to write of before he left for his “real home”.

Namaste; in love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I am shedding ideas of this world as though it is a skin that is peeling from my physical body.  I wither and rub against those worldly things to remove all the lifetime of pain and sorrow.  I brush and scrape against things that are hard and harsh to further remove this skin I have been encased in for so long.  I am thinking it is not just this lifetime but perhaps many lifetimes of things I have brought back with me into this world.  It has all resulted and culminated since the physical death of my son.

So much has surfaced and pinnacled in the last nineteen months that it is hard to identify everything that courses through my heart.  My priorities are not the same, I do not perceive the world as I once did and I have been given an opportunity through this horrendous tragedy to see the world through different lenses.

As the skin peels from my body after all the excruciating scouring pain leaving an inch at a time; it is replenished with a gloss and a shine of pure light that permeates every cell.  After a while, the skin starts the process again chafing and fraying at layers and wearing away of the old until the new comes forth in renewed strength and courage to continue to carry the mantle that has been given me to wear the duration of my journey.

I choose to honor this mantle for it is the legacy of my son and all he stood for while in this world.  As I choose this mantle I am given glimpses of afterlife that is surreal.  I am blessed with nuggets that help me to continue shedding the layers of worries and pain of long ago and the most painful of all; my son leaving this world and going into another before me.

I choose to see through the lenses of spiritual light, the white light that frees our souls and carries us through the torrential downpour of tears for a love that has been put to the test.  Not the love for my son for it is immutable but the kind of love he knew of for his brothers in arms.   I want to honor Jeremy’s legacy by the kind of love that he shared with his beloved country and men, the kind of love that Jesus speaks of in his teachings, the kind of love that says “the spirit in me honors the spirit in you”. 

I proudly wear the mantle that has been gifted me through my son and I pray that I do everything within my power to bring honor, love and peace to Jeremy’s legacy for the remainder of my journey.

To truly walk in the love and peace that surpasses all understanding I must know who I am, the real me; my authentic self.  To continually be a pathfinder and keep the Light shed on my path so that it yields love, understanding and recognition of each soul and spirit I encounter.  To not judge or even question another’s journey but extend powerful intentions of love, respect and honor.

The mantle of grief comes with reflective fabric woven with love, each thread representing a special memory that will endure lifetimes.  The mantle brings wisdom and understanding when worn in love.  The mantle can be cast away in fear and anger, however; when worn in faith it does yield the fruits of love and honor bringing strength and so importantly “the peace that surpasses all understanding”.

Jeremy, my love for you is infinite and immutable albeit challenging I wear the mantle of grief proudly.  I am honored to disclose the legacy of love and loyalty that you have left your friends and family.  May we always bring you honor as you have brought honor to us all.  May we touch those who are in need of love and understanding as you have even as a warrior to protect the men who fought by your side.  May we always be honest and loyal as you every minute of every day in all things.  May we love as fiercely as you do.  May we all learn to live life to the fullest as you have in this world.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx Proud Mom of Ssgt Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

The worst thing we can do to ourselves is to deny our emotions and keep them suppressed.  We must, no matter how painful, look at our emotions straight on; no matter how unbearable they are.  It is imperative that we learn how to grieve yet stay out of the darkness that would call us.  This is the most useful tool I have learned over the last nineteen months; learning to grieve but staying out of Midnight.

We have to let the emotions rise from our core and spread throughout our being coming forth in tears to release the fear of what is truth; our children have transitioned.  However; going to darkness takes our grief to an entirely different level.  To go to Midnight is the unfathomable hell of finality.  To stay in Midnight could challenge our physical bodies to the point of illness and/or death.

There is no formula to grief.  It has a full range of emotions and illnesses and there is no set time or boundaries to grief.   You should never judge yourself regarding how much grief is enough grief.  There is not a right or wrong way to grieve.  Everyone is different and handles how they grieve and when they grieve differently.  Everyone is different in regards to how they handle themselves and uniquely process their circumstances.

We lose a part of ourselves when a child transitions before us.  We feel incomplete and my estimation is that we are not whole any longer; a huge part of us transitioned with our children.  It is essential for us to find a healthy process to our grief and find the new normal so that we can go forward and complete our own destinations. 

Our children had their own private and personal paths and I am thankful that Jeremy and I shared our destination; that he chose me to be his mom.  Keeping focused on the positive, anything that you can find positive, no matter how small will assist you to process your tragedy in a more healthy way.

I have found being thankful for any and everything I can find positive helps in a more positive grieving process.  I remember months ago finally being thankful for the trees and the songbirds and that was a huge step for me.  I can now be thankful for the things in my life that remain; my daughter and her family, the sun, the moon, the stars, the sky, oceans and mountains. 

If I let my soul be thankful for the beautiful things of the earth then it helps me to have more positive and loving energy than when I do not.  We can process positive and loving energy more efficiently and effectively than anything negative which deters us from processing on a healthy level.

Our lives were predicated upon our personal beliefs systems, goals and future with our children; now I feel totally incomplete and sometimes out of control, however, for me to find the balance and not dabble in insanity, I find to grow spiritual and to stay in the Light helps me to become stronger and I do find the “peace that surpasses all understanding” which helps me to find a place where grieving is more manageable.

The reason I can find a semblance of peace is that I know that Jeremy does live on in another dimension; in the spiritual world.  I know he is doing better than I could ever hope, dream or imagine for him.  Jeremy lives.  Jeremy is alive, well, happy and filled with love and joy.  I have seen him, I have witnessed his energy and he assures me that he never leaves me.  He has helped me through the grieving process more than I can convey.  He is and has been since the inception of this tragedy a breath away.

Admittedly, there are days that his absence in the worldly realm causes much heartache, but at the same time it is proof that he was once with me in the physical realm and that being his mom is a truth and reality that means more to me than I could possibly say.  I read once that “pain is the legacy and proof that our loved ones were once here…”  There isn’t anything more beautiful than love and our tears for them albeit sad for it does prove the infinite love we have for our children.  I know in my heart and soul that they look upon us wishing us peace and urging us forward to a new normal.

I will say that I would go through this again to have the blessing of being my son’s mom even though knowing that after a short period of time that sorrow at great depths awaits me.  It is worth every agonizing tear and the broken heart that I now have.  I would never change being Jeremy’s mom; it has been the most beautiful gift bestowed me in this lifetime.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps,

03-09-85 – 04-06-11 - in honor of you today son with much love

Memoirs with Jeremy

I see a miracle in the trees swaying in the breeze and the rustle of the leaves with bees buzzing from plant to plant pollenating as it goes by.

To me a miracle is when I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin or the moon shedding light on a path to guide me.

I see a miracle in the sweet-innocent souls of children and their zest for life, when love graces your eyes with an elderly couple lovingly holding hands; best friends forever.

To me it is a miracle to walk underneath the trees in a forest or sand between my toes warm from the sun with the scent of the ocean filling my lungs.

I see a miracle in sitting at a table with friends and family; provisions made to share one with the other laughing and coming together in harmony and love.

To me a miracle is watching the birds of the air spreading their wings across the blue sky without a care; their song filling my ears and my heart with their sweet symphony of angelic melodies.

I see a miracle is the vastness of the sky of endless planets and the air we breathe that goes into infinity, the boundless oceans and seas with all it contains, the mountains jetting from the earth in glory, the stars shining and glimmering quietly, every hour and every minute ticking one by one in this space and time reality.

To me a miracle is sensing oneness with my son in all things and being blessed with the manifestation of his visits saying I live on Mom, I am here, I am with you and we are forever connected.

 

I see the miracle in the legacy of courage, loyalty and love in its purest essence left to the world by Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, Untied States Marine Corps and all men and women of uniform who have sacrificed their lives so that we are free and live in safety.

 

 

In love and honor to my son Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85-04-11-06 who gave the ultimate sacrifice for us all.  You make me so proud son and it is an honor to be your mom.   You, my Warrior Angel, are a very special miracle, thank you for all you have done for your family and for America.

Thank you to all men and women of uniform for all your sacrifices including the ones we know not of.

Memoirs with Jeremy

Today marks nineteen months since the inception of my son’s transition.   This is a month that is extremely challenging.  The month of voting, Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving and family birthdays; all of these events at one time in my life were days of honor and/or celebration.  Today they mark heartbreak for me along with many other military moms.

I had a patriotic sign made for Jeremy in his honor for his sacrifice in Afghanistan.  It brings me sorrowful pride to plant the sign in the soil in front of my home; I have thoughts of love, respect and honor for my son yet personally I feel I have been relegated to a sign post to point to my son’s greatest achievement.

I want to bring honor to Jeremy on Veteran’s Day, I want to smile and focus on our good memoires on Thanksgiving Day and I want to share his love and joy for his family on their birthdays, but more importantly I choose the honor and I choose the love hoping I can be his conduit to continue sharing his loving energy.

I am not angry with Jeremy’s choice of profession or his sacrifice; it makes me extremely proud of him.  I am not angry with Spirit for Jeremy’s decisions on his journey’s path; he did have free will and free choice.  But, for the mom in me it is an extremely heavy cross to bear every minute of every day and this month with all its special events only points me to an overwhelming sadness.

Even though I know Jeremy lives on and is in a place of unfathomable joy, peace and love the hard truth is that it leaves a gaping hole in my heart and emptiness in my soul.  I work hard not to focus on his physical death yet there are times, days and certain months that leave me no choice but to look at the empty place at the table or the lack of imprint where my son once slept.

He is my child and will always be my “baby”; Jeremy is my only son and it is so very sad for me that he is no longer in the physical realm laughing his contagious laugh and flashing that notorious grin of his.  There is no way to convey to someone who hasn’t walked in these shoes the agony of the empty arms and heart that once was filled with unconditional love for a son.

Yet, I will go forward.  I will be thankful for things that remain and have a heart full of gratitude for my daughter, grands and family.  I will reach for the light, I will mentally and emotionally shut down to Midnight and in the mist of life I will be choosing to grow spiritually. 

I reach for the love and peace that surpasses all understanding; the place also of light and love and where my beautiful son is now.

I am so very proud of you Jeremy, I love you unconditionally.  I always have and I always will.  You were and still are a beautiful gift to us all.  I love you son, infinitely and immutably.

In your honor on Veteran’s Day and also for all those who have sacrificed for America.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Very proud mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I believe that thoughts become things; I believe we have free will and choice along our path, however; I also believe that when we take a rabbit trail off our path that eventually we return to the main road we are to travel.  Sometimes these rabbit trails can bring joy and many times there are things to be learned from our choices.

I believe that we do have the power with our thoughts to attract positive people and “things” into our lives; the counter to that is with negative thoughts we also attract the negative people and “things” into our lives.

I know that the contrast of having positive versus negative in our lives also brings us to a place to more appreciate the good and positive people and “things” we are blessed with.

I believe we have agreed to encounter our challenges and struggles to accelerate spiritually.  Sometimes a tragedy happens to a family that is devastating.  When physical death or tragedy happens to someone we love I believe that prior to being birthed into this world and the planet earth that we have all made a contract, agreement, chart or a blueprint to accelerate spiritually – together.

There are many beliefs, religions, cultures, churches, mediums, people….and we all have different ideas regarding the spirit realm. I have studied many different beliefs since the inception of my son’s transition 04-06-11 and all I can do is share my life experience and what resonates with me.  I believe everyone should decide for themselves and not let any one person, place or thing influence what your “gut” is saying to you.

I have been reading a book that shares…. “Old Newton physics claimed that things have an objective reality separate from our perception of them.  Quantum physics, and particularly Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, reveal that, as our perception of an object changes, the object itself literally changes.  The science of religion is actually the science of consciousness, because ultimately all creation is expressed through the mind.  Our greatest tool for changing the world is our capacity to “change our mind about the world”. (Taken from A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.)

I believe that expressing Jeremy’s transition through a positive mind and spirit does change my perspective of his physical death.  I find the tragedy of his not being physically with me more tolerable and not as painful as long as my thoughts of him are of transitioning and Jeremy being in a realm that is happy, healthy, whole and in a loving world.

I have begun telling him to have a good day and asking him to reveal to me what he is doing today.  I talk to him a lot and when I do I receive responses back from him.  There have been times he has physically manifested a scenario to “prove” to me that he does live on.

I have in the last eighteen months begun to apply “thoughts becomes things” attitude to my life as I had before the tragedy.  It has been a hard journey trying to process that my son has transitioned and I will never get to hug him physically again in this lifetime. But, he reminds me often to go forward.

There have been small things I have done to help my process.  After mulling over specific words as “acceptance”; I am learning to choose words that better suit my soul.  For example, I believe what happened to Jeremy is unacceptable, but I know I need to process his transition.  I choose to process in a more positive way than to focus on his physical death.  I choose to focus on his transition into a loving spirit realm.  I have felt his essence and there are no earthly words to describe his joy.

I contemplate the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal and I believe that our perception of such a horrendous tragedy as our children transitioning before us can lead us to apply a more positive principal in our lives.  I choose to think thoughts of happiness and joy for Jeremy.

I choose to find and apply positive thoughts and ideas; for me this is a spiritual journey.  There isn’t any way to change our children leaving before us, but we can choose to grow spiritually and create a life experience that is more positive and of Light. 

It is the Light that gives us the peace that surpasses all understanding.  I choose the Light, I choose Peace and I choose to apply any and everything I can find that is positive into my life experience now.  It is the new normal and it is the only way I can find to go forward.  I choose to be One with the Universal Mind and Love of God being one with the universe and all consciousness.

On behalf of my son; I extend to all spiritual love and peace to enter your hearts.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I have asked myself many times “how do I do this; I don’t know how to do this”.  I have never been as alien to anything as I have to the transition of my son on 04-06-11.  I have had my share of trials and tribulations in this lifetime but this is the big daddy of them all.  In comparison; I just thought my heart had been broken before, I knew nothing then as I do now.

I do maintain eighteen months later that it is not just about survival or endurance, but how we survive and how we endure.  This has impacted me so hard that I do not perceive my life or world as I did before; my priorities have all been severely rearranged.

I know in my heart of hearts that the old life has passed away; I have to find a new normal to live again releasing the power of my spirit to process my life after the physical death of my son.   I cannot accept what has happened to Jeremy, it is unacceptable, but I am learning via Spirit to process the grief and all it entails.

I am asking Spirit to help me with my perception of my son’s transition and I call on Angels every day to help with the process and with my perception of life after physical death.  I am seeking any positive feeling I can find to help with my understanding of Jeremy being in the spiritual realm now and what I have come to realize is that it is more about how I experience mentally and emotionally the devastating tragedy of my son’s transition.  It is for me how I experience the experience and in this experience of tragedy what do I want to experience for me now?

My perception of my son’s transition is that he lives on and is more alive than I am in this world.  I focus on his new life experience and not his physical death.  Jeremy has come to me many times proving to me he is alive.  I just spoke to a Mom today who after seventeen months has conversations with her son.  I was so happy to find someone who came forth and spoke of their spiritual experience with their son as well.

The point is………our children live on.  Try to not go to Midnight and try to not stay there.  Just say no to darkness and reach for the light that your child resides in now and know that they do live; they are alive and are just through the veil, across the river, on the other side of the banks; they have returned Home.

I can say with certainty that our children want us to find a new normal and be happy again.  They want us to not just exist and go through life but live life to the fullest.  They want us to find the comfort and joy in that this life on earth is just temporary and short lived that we will be with them in our own timing.

They want us to awaken to what is real and know that our journey here is really a training ground to accelerate spiritually. 

I was touched by my son’s essence one morning as soon as I opened my eyes; his presence was so profound, full of energy, love and light that it touched every cell in my body.  I literally walked around all day smiling.  I kept thinking that if Jeremy is this happy then who am I to be sad that he transitioned for he is in a much better place than I could ever dream for him.

I love my son with every fiber of my being and I am certainly missing him….. And I want to be happy for Jeremy even though I am sad for me.  I also know the importance for my soul to follow through with my journey and complete my destination.  To experience this trauma, my life experience now, to learn how to process and transform my perception from dark to light.

I focus on my son’s transition; not his physical death.  I focus on how happy and well he is; not what happened to him.  I focus on how happy he is and full of joy and love he is; not on grief and mourning.

However; I also know that it is important to grieve, some days harder than others but it is learning how to grieve and the processing of grief that is important to my mind, body and spirit. 

In the beginning I would grieve to the point of death.  I began somewhere in the throes of agony to begin to realize that my son was witnessing and watching what his leaving had done to me.  It jerked me out of my mournful self to being able to see the light through the cracks.  I did not want to hurt my son, punish him or cause him concern…. I at steadily began crawling out of Midnight.

As Jeremy said to me one day “You can’t change it Mom…. Don’t go to Midnight… It is what it is”.  I think at that time there was a part of me that would wish him back; I prayed for his return, I bargained my life for his.  But, the simple truth is that I couldn’t change it and it was time to learn how to not go to Midnight.

Today I am adamant in learning to process my grief, admittedly, some days are two steps forward and one step back, but I am finding a bit of relief and am having intermittently better days than eighteen months ago.

It will always be a challenge for me; I have had no choice but to grow up spiritually.

I love you son…..”I see you”.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I don’t believe I have ever met anyone that doesn’t believe in Angels.  There are stories about them, poems about them and movies have been made about them.  There are also accounts and testaments by many about being saved by them when something extremely traumatic has happened in their lives.  I have also noticed that most people are comfortable talking about angels and most have a story somewhere along their path.

I do believe in Angels and ask for their help and guidance every day after thanking Father God, Mother Earth and Jesus for the light, love and teachings for us to learn from.  I am very thankful to all light beings and ascended masters.

However; if you talk about life after physical death most people can’t even look you in the eye, they will change the subject, become uncomfortable and there are others that do believe but rather not talk about it.

Since my son’s transition on 04-06-11 it is at the top of my list to discuss and hence the reason I have been compelled to blog about my life after my son’s physical death and visits from my Jeremy. 

Jeremy wants to give encouragement to all the moms who have lost sons and daughters to the war; he wants to bring peace to dads and comfort to the siblings who have lost their best friend.  He wants to reach all the parents no matter how your child came to transition.  He wants you to know that your children do live on and are in a beautiful peaceful and joyful land of love.

I sense Jeremy’s presence a lot but as time has passed I believe that he has become busy with his “spiritual duties and teachings”; I am not receiving as many intense visits as I did in the beginning.  I believe for one:  that it is because I have to learn to come to terms with his transition on my own and learn from this trauma and two:  he has ascended and has much to learn.  However; I always feel his connection with me from my heart and I hear him when I need to.  He says often to me “I am here Mom”.

The dark hours after Jeremy’s transition I honestly wasn’t sure if my body and mind were going to survive such tragedy.  It would have been much easier on me if I had gone instead or with my son.  But, I knew from the inception that a pack had been made and I was not only going to learn to endure and survive, but I have something very real and important to learn from the processing of our tragedy in the form of living my life again; finding the new normal.

Jeremy taught me to not stay in Midnight, he then taught me to not go to Midnight and I am now learning to move forward and not be as paralyzed by his leaving our world and returning Home.

I have done much reading from many authors regarding the supernatural spirit realm.  They all differ one from the other on various points and ideas, but they are all adamant in life after physical death; the Spirit Realm. 

I can only add to that my life experience and nothing else.  I have shared my turmoil and pain but more importantly I have shared the light that has been giving me to find my way out of the darkest Midnight I have ever encountered.

More importantly than that; I have shared my son’s visits, encouragement, the care he has given me and his wisdom to help pull me through.  I have seen his golden energy which was absorbed into me to give my body assistance, I have dreamt of him and he is always happy and on several occasions I have met him in the spirit realm and have felt my spirit return to my body and I even got to hug him once and felt his physical body hugging me back.  It has been sensational and beautiful and I have been very thankful for Jeremy’s visits and guidance.

I share this to say; if we can grasp the concept that there is life after physical death then we will not just endure and survive our children leaving before us we will find a way to even celebrate that they do live on and we will get to see them again!!!

They wish more than anything for us to be able to go forward and accept the gift of life and continue to learn what it is we set out to accomplish in the Spirit Realm after being borne into this world. 

We have our own private journeys which now entails the survival skills and enlightenment that accompanies our children’s transition to share, to grow from and to let our higher self be free to soar with knowledge and understanding and see our children in the Light.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I am seeking enlightenment regarding who I am and what my life purpose is.  I have made the comment that I am seeking to be closer to God and have a closer relationship with Him.  Then I started thinking that if I have the Holy Spirit on the inside of me, God’s Spirit; how much closer can you get?

I have begun to realize that I am working at evolving and straining for enlightenment when the Truth is that the Spirit on the inside of me is evolved and always has been and therefore is enlightened. 

I have an already evolved Spirit but I am reaching for is learn to let my Spirit be in the driver’s seat and to have control over my mind and hence my thoughts so that the Spirit can shine within me.

It is the same concept as walking in Faith.  We don’t have to work faith for something we need or want; I know I have spent years with one mantra after another working my faith when in reality faith is just believing and there I was trying to talk myself into believing I had faith.  I wore myself out; around and around I would go working up my faith.

I know that I know that Father Spirit does love me; I know that Mother Nature is generous and beautiful, I know the Spirit of God resides in me and I want to be my higher-self more often than being in my mind and emotions.

I play memories back of my son and how happy he was and how he was larger than life and lived life to the fullest; just to look at him would make you smile, he was so contagious.  I didn’t know at the time that it was he that was setting a great example as to how to live life and to love and appreciate what you have.

He was so grateful and thankful for life and all it contained in the physical realm.  Now he is free of the flesh that encased him and is in the land of Love and Beauty.  How could I not be happy for him?

I know to see into the realm that Jeremy has entered that I must see with spiritual eyes and he has in fact showed me his energy.  He has bent over backwards to show me and confirm to me that he lives on and is doing better than he could ever say in earth terms.  How could I not be happy for him?

When I set my focus on how well and happy he is then I am not so sad for not seeing him in the physical realm; he is just a breath away. 

I remind myself that this is all just temporary and that true life begins after this journey is completed.  I pray that I care for the flesh as my vehicle yet let my spirit shine so others can see the real me.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I have had so many questions throughout this journey of eighteen months the majority of which has been spiritual.  Sometimes I wonder if my son’s transition is a wakeup call to my spirit.  I have been unconscious most of my life going through life on auto-pilot.  I have no auto-pilot now and need the strength and peace of the Spirit.

Of course, my son had his personal journey in the physical realm and I am sure that God had and still has many purposes for Jeremy.  But, on a personal note; I certainly have had a wakeup call and can no longer doze and nap unconsciously during this road trip.

I am aware of so many dimensions since Jeremy’s transition and I am so conscious of not being in the Now when I slip or go head first into my own personal hell.  This is, by the way, the reason for me journaling; to keep us from the Midnight that is so much easier to give into.  To stay conscious and in the Now means we have to be……conscious, in the Now.

There are two things I wish to share this morning both of which were lovingly whispered to me a couple of months ago and I have been reminded intermittently of them and it has ministered to me immensely.

I have gone through dark valleys of loneliness which can be fairly devastating at this juncture of life.  I had a peace that flowed from my head and gently through every cell of my body.  It was then endearingly said to me “Sandra you have not been forgotten.  Do I not love you more than the birds of the air?  I have never forgotten you and I never will.  Go to the scripture in the Bible that speaks of the birds…”  There was great love permeating from the Spirit through my entire body; it was the voice of the Spirit; my son was standing next to me as I was being spoken to.

I basked in this for a while; I felt so loved, it felt like home and I felt like I was in the middle of a big family sharing all the warms hugs filled with love and it felt very safe.

I certainly went to the scripture/s which I share below and even though I knew the context, I still read them word for word which reinforced that I wasn’t forgotten, I am in a safe place and I am truly loved.  It brought such healing and salve to my heart.

Matthew 6:26: “Look at the birds of the air, that they do now sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not worth much more than they?”

Matthew 10:31: “Therefore do not fear; you are of more value than many sparrows.”

After contemplating this for days it occurred to me that in church I was taught about Jesus, we sang songs praising Jesus and we prayed to God in Jesus’ name.

With every Nano ounce of reverence and respect to Jesus Christ my brother as I can muster it dawned on me that my relationship was far stronger and more intimate with Jesus Christ than with God.  I realized that I hungered to know my Father and I always approached Him with devote reverence and bowed my head in prayer, but this was a closeness that was surreal. 

I have always been thankful with a heart full of gratitude to Jesus for dying on the cross to deliver me from religion and religious antics, and have been praising and thanking God the Universal Spirit and Love for all He has done for me.  However; I am searching for a much closer relationship with Him.  I call Him Father more often than not now.  I am beginning to feel more in balance spiritually; knowing of course that we are all one, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. 

My take is that we are all sons and daughters to the Father, Jesus is a phenomenal prophet and a great teacher – our brother, our example and the Holy Spirit resides within us. 

The Father Spirit also speaks of angels and I have gone head first into taking a look at studies that addresses angels.  In my prayer and meditation time I ask for their help and intervention in my life’s purpose and path.  I have felt such a powerful intervention in my life when I engage the Archangels each day.

I have always been taught to bow my head when I pray to God.  Father Spirit has spoken to me and has said “lift your head to me child, I want to see your face…”  This has happened on many occasions and I feel I am in the presence of my loving Father when I talk to him “eye to eye”.

It was endearing and it is as though I felt His hand on my chin tilting my face to His with pure love.

I felt compelled to share the Love of God I have felt.  It is so precious and is for each one of us.  It is a wonderful and safe place to be.

My son has helped me so often and I feel his presence still.  Jeremy has gone the extra mile to prove to me there is life after physical death and I know he lives on in the “afterlife”.  I cannot accept what happened to my son in the physical realm, but I can accept his transition and I willing accept my journey in our world so that I may meet him just on the other side of the river.

I know the flesh must pass away before the transition, but my point is that Jeremy has moved to another state of being.  I wish I had earthly words to convey what I have seen of his life now…. It is beautiful and it is my saving grace to keep focused on Jeremy’s transition; he is alive, happy and is pure love.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx   Proud Mom of Ssgt Jeremy D. Smith USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I had a good day yesterday; a very peaceful day especially considering it was the 6^th.  I did honor my son’s transition by doing small things around the house and there was a serenity that was beautiful.  I had soothing music playing up until the night, burned a special candle and incense for my son, I prepared a salad which is always his favorite, enjoyed the birds and trees and did my best to stay centered.  I kept my thoughts on the fun things we shared and laughed out loud at some of our “funnies”.  I will be bold and say; Jeremy enjoyed the very soothing and peaceful day with me; I smiled and he smiled with me.

I admit there were some tears that escaped, but those tears were pure love; unconditional love for my son.  Again, it is a paradoxical journey.

I read from my “angel book” this morning and received a message that has brought the last few weeks and days into light.  I, like you, am trying to find the new normal and learn how to integrate such a tragedy into my life to go forward.  Not to endure only, but to live with my new normal.

I am reminded to be gentle with myself, to not be afraid to make mistakes and to remember the mistakes are mere steps to carry me further along my path, to not judge the size of the triumph or the type of victory it might be; each step, each movement large or small is a step toward my life purpose.  This message lifted a burden off my shoulders because I have been hard on myself for being stuck again; for me this round was guilt for outliving my son.

I sometimes have to analyze what is going on with me and frankly I should stop much more often to check in with myself, my head, heart and soul.  I will find myself full blown in anxiety and if I had been in the Now the anxiety would have never reared its head, however, and more importantly I would have caught the triggers beforehand.

This message to me and for me today is that there is no wrong way to grieve, I have to do it my way, if it takes longer than the other then so be it, if I get stuck I know I will learn from it, each step is mine and belongs only to me, no one absolutely no one can do this for me. 

God love the hearts that think they are helping you when they tell you to get on with your life.  What I know is this is my life today; tomorrow is a new day and I am reaching for it – that is progress for me, I am getting up in the mornings and have implemented my routine back into my life – that too is progress. 

I am not stuck in Midnight and have learned not to go to Midnight and that is certainly progress.  I am taking small outings with my four-legged babies and getting as close to nature as possible and being thankful for it; that is progress.

I say all that to say this is my way and what I do with my day is the best I can today and that can’t be wrong.  I cannot force myself to do anything I am not ready for; yet tomorrow or five minutes from now I may very well be ready to take the world by storm again.

How you are grieving is your way; be gentle with yourself and take those baby steps when you need to and when you are ready take on the larger steps you will know.  Don’t be discouraged when you have a relapse; it is important to cry and relieve some of the painful pressure that wails up inside you.  It’s okay to do whatever it is you are doing to help you process what you are going through.

It is painful, confusing and complex; there are times you feel lonely and frightened; the guilt for a parent to survive their child is agony.  These are all the things, and more, that we endure. 

It is up to us when we are ready to process all these emotions and build that muscle of endurance.

Don’t look at someone else and measure your progress by theirs.  The bottom line is that we all go through each of these phases just at different times and different ways. 

The imprint that this has left on our hearts and souls will last a lifetime for us; it will also be the fabric of who we become. 

I know who I want to be again, I know I want to fulfill my life’s purpose; I want to be an inspiration to my daughter and grands,   I want to find the new normal not just for my children but for me.  It is more important than ever that I take care of myself and live my new normal now.  I want to complete my journey; I don’t want to just endure my path, I want to live it with a full heart and soul.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC

03-09-85 – 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

Remembering my son today; Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith

United States Marine Corps 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

I have been journaling since my son’s transition.  I felt that he asked me to share our journey beginning January 1^st 2012.  I have shared my pain, ups and downs, learning how to stay out of Midnight and remain in the place where I only find peace with the Universal Mind and Love of God. 

Today is eighteen months since Jeremy’s transition and I once again want to share what is on my mind, in my heart and more importantly how my spiritual journey with Jeremy and the Spirit has brought salve to my life. 

In writing it helps me and ministers to me as well, but please know that my only purpose in sharing is to help others.  For me in the beginning I thought I was losing my mind and it helped to find a common thread with other grieving parents.  I pray this helps those of you who are in need or want to help a loved one that is grieving.

Surviving means living beyond the life of another person; to outlive, remain, prevail, endure, stay, continue and exist.  Survivors are those of us who have survived great misfortune; resilient and courageous enough to be able to overcome the hardship of our misfortune. We are survivors; those of us who are grieving for our transcended children.

The Seven Steps to Grief says that one of the phases in grief is the acceptance of the tragedy of my son’s death; it is unacceptable to me.  It seems unconceivable to ask a mother to accept the physical transition of her child.  Even though it may have been planned above and my son’s destiny charted in the Heavens before he was in my womb; it is unacceptable to me in the physical realm.  Although, I can accept his transition; his charted journey and at some level I do understand his personal journey.  This is how I perceive his transition not in the finality of his physical life but his afterlife; joyfully living on.

I have endured overwhelming grief that is more powerful than I am at times; yet I am still learning how to grieve, in fact, after going through the fire I seem to come out stronger for it.  In the beginning there was not a choice of whether I surrendered; grief over took me powerfully, but now a few months later I have learned to be more in control of the darkness that would blanket me. 

I have learned not go to Midnight; the all-encompassing darkness that would devour me and take advantage of how raw and hurt I am, the darkness that would destroy me and break my mind.  Yet not going to Midnight does give me some control and power over my mind hence my emotions.  Putting my soul in the driver’s seat has been a very powerful enlightenment for me.

My son has taught me to not go to Midnight; it takes strength and sheer resolve to not collapse under the dark veil that would consume me.  Midnight attacks what is left of your broken heart and then with great intensity targets your mind hoping you will snap during your meltdown allowing Midnight to claim you. 

But, as my son has said on many occasions, “it is what it is, there is no changing it; don’t go to Midnight mom”.  It has been the strongest tool I have to help me to be a survivor; it is now one of my strongest weapons to go against the darkness that would shroud me.  I am so thankful to Jeremy for being here for me, caring for me, guiding me and teaching me along the way.

Our beloved children having gone to the other side of the veil before us is not what any of us as parents would ever conceive as acceptable.  Along with the unacceptable tragedy is the all-consuming grief, feeling lost, alone, frightened, confused and then the guilt.  The guilt of wish I had, had not, said, not said, done and things left undone, yet the most devastating of all I remain and he has transitioned. The last few days I have had to revive myself and return to the land of the living because I was feeling guilty about outliving my son.

I am reminded that Jeremy wants me to have a good life, happy and laughing; not just this shattered and jagged piece of broken heart that is paralyzed from grief. 

It has been eighteen months and in some ways it has already felt like an eternity in another way it seems like yesterday.  This is a most confusing journey with so many emotions running rampant at times. 

I will say with enormous humility that I am having more days that are better than at the inception of the tragedy of Jeremy’s transition.  I know I have to embrace the pain at times but am learning to not embrace it to the point of death.  I know I have to understand that this has happened and that it is what it is; it is real, even though I still shake my head at times and cry NO; I cannot find the acceptance that my son transitioned before me.  I can only focus on that he is alive, truly consumed with joy and lives in the land of love.

When I focus on his transition into the spirit realm instead of his physical departure I handle his physical absence with more composure and peace.

I do understand in the spiritual realm regarding Jeremy’s transition; I do surrender myself to the love and the universal connection of the Loving Spirit, I will learn and am learning to live with my world that is filled with pain, I know that one day that joy will return to me, but I also know that sorrow and joy will always be companions in my world and my heart for I will always, every day and every second of every day, miss being with my son and also miss watching his wonderful world unfold before him in the physical realm. 

This is something that I cannot let go of, I cannot accept the finality of what we have been taught of physical death for I have seen Jeremy, I have heard his voice, he has guided and teaches me still and I want to encourage you that your child too lives on in the Spirit realm where reality truly exists for us all instead of the time and space we occupy now which is temporary.

Although I am sorrowful and I do miss my son I remind myself that I should smile and be happy for my son because he has transcended into a world of peace and love. 

The journey and path we are on must be travelled; we must not just endure, we must truly live and make the very best and most of the measure of the journey we have left.

I would love to make my son smile; I can just see the contagious smile on his face when I am able to celebrate with him.  I know when I laugh it makes his heart soar with love and hope for me.  I have felt his joy, I have sensed his happiness and it is profound and caused me to smile all day.  I must grasp this vision and hang onto it and be happy and celebrate with my son for he has graduated early and with honor.

I must try to not let my missing him become so selfish that I cannot see spiritually that he is truly in the land of the living and remember that where I am is only temporary and when I meet him again it will be for eternity.

The only sense I can make of any of it is spiritually, it is through Source only that brings me peace and understanding.  I know if I stay connected and plugged in to the Universal Mind and Love of God I will have the peace that surpasses all understanding. 

My life hasn’t just shifted it has flipped, flopped and has been turned inside out, but I know that Jeremy watches over me and is with me; we are connected.  But, it is up to me to find my way and fulfill my purpose during the remainder of my travelled path.

It is such a paradoxical ride... I am sad for me, but happy for Jeremy and they both revolve around his transition. He isn't with me in the physical realm, however; he is with me in the Nonphysical realm and although it is painful I must find the joy in it for me and for my son. There is much to be learned and spiritual growth is of the essence. 

Again, I do have days that are better than I ever thought they would be, however; it is still a roller-coaster ride and with this day, the 6^th, it brings a lot of pain with it; I want to turn the pain around and smile at my son and say…. “I support you; I love you and am so thankful that you are in such a joyous, blissful, peaceful, and loving place.  Jeremy, you so deserve the best and you have attained the very best”.

I love you Jeremy, I honor you and I will do my very best today and each day forward to remember that your new life is to be celebrated.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps