Memoirs with Jeremy

In some ways the last (almost) four years have sped by.  In others, I feel like I am trapped in "Ground Hog Day".  Every morning when I awaken I take a deep breathe and say "let's do this".  I make a choice every breathing moment to make the best of every day.  Some days that is zoning out and just watching movies or playing scrabble others it is participating in life and sometimes on a really good day I will interact with others.

I read a long time ago that when a mom has a child that passes before her that it takes at least four to five years to feel "human" again.  To feel life and want to live life.....find that new normal. It will be four years in April.....I have gone forward and I have and am still learning to integrate this tragedy into my waking moments.

My brain shut down at the inception of this very tragic event.  Literally shut down; I couldn't drive, cook and on a lot of days in the beginning even bathe.  Now I am back to my routine of daily requirements of cooking, eating and hygiene.   I do drive more than before but am still working on that one. 

In the beginning I would have white outs......just everything went stark blazing white and I could not see a thing and could not tell you how much time had lapsed....hence; no driving for me.  Then, when things got a little easier, I would only have black outs with time elapsing.  I have graduated to not having either the white or black outs but my short term memory is still on the blink some days.

I slept nearly two years of my life.  Only getting up to do the things that had to be done....my poor four-legged children would draw in close and keep me company and take care of me as I drifted into nothingness.

I sleep the normal amount of time now.....most days.   Although, I can feel in my body when I need to take a reprieve from life and just sleep......sleep.....where there is no pain and not one reminder of the absence of my beautiful son Jeremy.

Spiritually, I know he is with me.  I hear his voice when I listen.....a lot of the time I scramble my brain with senseless activity.....realizing now that the last two years (almost) has been a lot of the "white noise".....I am beginning to settle back into a life of no resistance and ease into the acknowledgement .....this is really true.....it is so.

So sleeping two years and white noise for almost two more ..... doing whatever it takes to get through the day.....well, actually minutes of each day to find the relief that is necessary to be able to participate in life again.

With that said, whoever wrote that it takes 4-5 years was absolutely correct; I have a feeling that new all to well.

I am still at the damnable "acceptance" ....... and struggling with the 9 steps or 100 steps to recovery.

Why?  I ask myself.  Well, because accept means:  go along with, agree, concede, concur affirm,   Acceptance: is a kind of approval....acceptable is a sort of fair, satisfactory and tolerable state.  I have run this through my brain so many times....some of the white noise if you well.

The opposite, of course, is resist/resistance which is obviously the fight, struggle, battle, refuse, contest balk and defy.  Which in the beginning you certainly do that ....very much do that....however; it is a shock mechanism in my opinion to help you slowly be able to move to the realization that .... it is so.

What I have learned is that the path of least resistance is the ease of life.   It is still unacceptable to me that this has happened to my son so beautiful and full of life and love, however; if I not resist that and move into the ease and gentle alignment with energy and Source then my body and mind will follow this alignment and I will find the balance of recovery and maintain a life of least resistance.

In the path of least resistance I have become more functional and am beginning to appreciate the gift of life again.   There are so many things to be thankful for and if I purposefully look for what remains then I can get through my day with much more ease.  I look for things that are light, love and peace.  In the mornings a simple yet gorgeous sunrise can cause me to smile and appreciate God's "artwork"....same for the sunsets.....  The voice of my daughter and grands bring me joy and love and peace every single day.  The symphony of song birds reminds me that life is beautiful.  I seek out things to be thankful for; I search my soul until I find that place of ease.....that place of peace.....the place of faith.  When I stay in touch with my personal Source then I find alignment with nature, love and harmony which brings me to the place of peace and contentment, an ease with life on earth. 

In the beginning of this new normal.....I put every foot in front of the other for my daughter and to be a brave and strong Marine Mom.......now ......today......most days.....I do it just for me.   I know that Jeremy would wish nothing but a good rest of my life for me......

In appreciation, love and honor for my sweet and beautiful son. 
Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC

I love you Sonshine xxxxx

Memoirs with Jeremy

Memoirs with Jeremy, January 9, 2015

 

It has been three years and nine months.......still counting.  It seems like yesterday yet surreal.  Has this really happened?  I want to stay in a mindset of "Jeremy being deployed".   Then I think .....he has.....he has "deployed" into the spiritual realm.

I haven't had the "supernatural" occurrences as I did at the inception of Jeremy's transition.  I long for a visit and have asked many numerous times why not now?  I miss him so much and just to hear his voice or have one of "those things that just happened" occur would go a long way with me.  Yet, I know that I have to learn to journey on my own.

The holidays were excruciating this year......again.  However, now that I have gotten through them I have done a lot of reflection.  Taking a good look at myself regarding where I am today and where I have been.....mostly my past.

The reflection has been a positive one.  I have visited every house I have owned, every structure I have rented, all the places I have lived and most importantly.....parenting my children.

It dawned on me that every desire and thought I have ever had has manifested itself.  Let me qualify that statement.  I speak more of material things than people.  Perhaps I have focused on material things rather than relationships because outside of my kids I have never had a relationship that has lasted or has meant as much.  I have loved....I have loved deeply but I don't think I have every had the kind of unconditional love with anyone as I have with my children.

With that said.....and going back to the manifestations of my life I realize how spiritual my life has been.  Even though not feeling it, my thoughts and desires kept right on going.  I haven't "arrived" in financial success like some but I believe the reason is because of my feelings.  I have always been in a whirlwind....my childhood, my marriage/s and financially.  Until, that is, I had my children and at that moment in my life I began to "grow up".

 My first born was a significant spiritual experience and miracle to me.  I, therefore, went looking for a spiritual journey.  I am in a Bible-Belt and have had exposure to the State side religions and ended up in a charismatic movement which was awesome, however; much to my dismay, was still religious.  I somehow knew that a lot of the religion was man-made bunk and unknowingly at the time reached out for true spirituality.

Going further into my life and after my children’s dad and I became pastors and assistant pastors, worship leaders in church/es….we divorced.  I remarried 10 plus years later and right before Jeremy's transition divorced again.  These were both traumatic experiences and I knowingly looked for Spirit. 

 

I believe, in part,  it was a process to help me handle Jeremy's departure into the Spirit realm.  God only knows, I mean that literally, that it very much saved my life because I had one foot in the door to go with.  Well, simply, it wasn't my time but it sure did feel like it and I wanted very much to get out of the pain that was in my body.

 You may ask.....was this transition my thoughts and desires?  Surely not and it has been one of the things I have known without a doubt....I have never doubted.....my son lived his life exactly to his thoughts and desires and his “untimely” departure was part of his journey.  He chose for his journey not to be as long as mine.  I believe with all my heart that in the Spirit realm before manifesting into the earthly realm we agreed to sojourn together....his way.....and me my way.  I feel that I may very well kick my own butt upon arrival to the heavenly hereafter for agreeing to such drastic experience/s.

Since Jeremy's transition I have had to find my own rhythm again....without him as a parent.  I want to find the vortex of peace, love and desire of creation again.  I believe if we are not creating we are not living.  We are creating with every breath we take.....either positively or negatively.   I have had to learn to rise above the desperate feelings of the most excruciating pain I have ever felt.....which brings with it so many dark emotions of depression, lack, and mostly fear in every arena of your life.

 I still hurt.  It still hurts.....it is still excruciating.  However; I came to realize after reflecting on all my spiritual experiences with Jeremy, and there were so many; that I have to raise my vibration spiritually.  He was there to help me in the beginning - he is helping me now too.....to learn to go forward in the physical realm.  I wish not to just exist but learn as much as I can about the spiritual realm....after all; that is where he “resides” now and it brings comfort grasping as much spiritually as I can.  It has been baby steps.  I go backwards and then I have days I go forward.

 I look back to 2011 and I realize I have made a lot of progress.  Even though the pain remains and I want to collapse under it sometimes....I …..have …..made progress and the important thing is ......that is my desire and my thoughts.

We are such a complex entity.  We are comprised of trillions of cells....I am no scientist but believe it when I am "told" we are energy.  I have seen Jeremy's energy when he "helped" me on a particularly bad day so I am have the inclination to believe in the energy concept.  I believe our cells are constantly seeking alignment with Source and if/when we allow ourselves to align with good feeling thoughts and desires by reaching out to Source we do align with just that.

I am not speaking of mantras, rituals or any kind of "system" other than knowing who you are and having faith in that.....Source.....that is on the inside of us all.  Some churches refer to it as the Holy Spirit....which I like just fine.....I actually trust Source/God/Energy more than I trust anything.....God on the inside of us....God is us......God is always with us....God, Source, Energy, Universe......are all just labels.

I believe with every thought, breath and desire we are creating our very own universe.  With each thought and feeling we are letting good feelings and abundance flow through us or we are in resistance and therefore plug the flow of those good feelings and thoughts.

I have always believed in the power of words….just naturally had a very strong knowing that our words had power behind them.  What I have learned is that the “faith” behind what we say and think is gaged by the “feelings” that are attached to them.  If we are at rest we are in faith.  If we are not resisting our lives we are in faith.  When we truly appreciate exactly where we are (no matter the circumstance/s) we are in faith.

When we are in faith we are living, breathing and creating our very lives into existence.  When we are not appreciative and are resisting we are living, breathing and creating our very lives into existence. 

I have learned that when I enter into an improved emotional state and well-being that everything improves with it.

I have had such a hard time with the word “acceptance”.   I feel like a traitor to “accept” what happened to my son.  However; if I focus merely on not resisting what he chose for himself and look at it in spiritual-loving terms then I find that it is the path of least resistance and therefore the path to an improved emotional state and well-being.

This is all temporary……living our lives while we are transformed into the physical is a true gift from Spirit.  Not merely existing but living in the moment to the next moment into the next with love and appreciation on every breath.

In honor of my son…….Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

I love you son.  Mom