Memoirs with Jeremy

The anguish that has seeped into every cell of my body is almost unbearable.  It would be so easy to just give up, although, I know I cannot.  Then when you think of the finality – that you know all too well – and how it affects your family; you know that you must go on, you must survive this.

I have been blessed with the contact, conversations, and glimpses into the spirit realm where Jeremy is complete and happy and it has been salve to my bleeding heart…..I am truly thankful.  I am so grateful; really there aren’t words enough to say how thankful I am because I know that Jeremy has worked extremely hard to reach me.  Thank you, son.

I cling to that moment when I saw life as a gift wrapped in red glistening paper and a big red bow.  I truly felt – I saw into the spirit realm and FELT the palatable joy that was permeating Jeremy’s new form.  My God, Oh my God….he is so happy.

With that said, it doesn’t stop the pain that I endure every single second of every single day.  The only reprieve is sleep; I feel I am sleeping my life away.  Grief is such a powerful emotion.  I am finding that it can destroy you or it can pivot you into sheer determination to survive.   I am choosing the latter. 

I hope and pray that what remains of my journey that someone, somewhere will benefit from my memoirs.  I pray that all the parents who are just stepping into this blinding and devastating loss can find a glimmer of hope.

My heart aches, my body is tired, my mind is confused and the mixed signals that are in my head keep me unraveled most days.  But, then I find a ray of sonshine that gives me strength to carry on, one more day. 

“Don’t go to Midnight, Mom”, Jeremy has been a monumental saving grace for me to complete my journey.  I have to ask, however; why my son – he has so much more to give.  Why not me, I would have happily traded places.  But, then I remember the sheer joy that was almost tangible and I think – how could I possibly deny Jeremy such a state of happiness and wellbeing. 

He worked so hard those twenty-six years earthbound completing his journey, sacrificing comforts and pleasures as a young man and then giving the ultimate sacrifice as Jesus talks about in the Bible, laying down your life for your brother.

I know it is a much deserved transition and the Mom in me will gladly support his charted destination and be happy for him.

Yet, I find, I must not deprive myself of grief.  I must find a way to grieve that honors Jeremy and our Divine Creator.  I must be selfless and find the grace and courage to bear the cross that has been given me.  Yet, at the same time be patient with my heart and soul knowing that in time we will meet again.

I can only do this with the strength of God, Mother Nature, all the light beings and the blessed spiritual reunion with my son.

Yes, grief can be such a selfless and selfish emotion – no wonder it is all so confusing. 

 

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Memoirs with Jeremy

It was as though I was a small child standing by a beautiful Christmas tree and my “parents” handed me an intriguing gift wrapped in glistening red with a huge red bow.  I only had to lift the lid to open the box.

As I began to open the box rainbows floated around me, sunshine streamed through the cracks, moonlight like fairy dust tinkled in a melodious sound. Wider the top was opened and I saw into a beautiful world of flowers, streams, mountains, the ocean, trees, birds, meadows, hills; all the glorious things of our world.  Everything magical, pure and beautiful was within this box and was permeated in love, peace and joy. However; and more importantly I saw that I was given the gift of life.

I was suddenly very happy for my son.  No …… I was elated for my son.  I have a serene sense of elation and peace.  I fell joyful for him; true joy.

As I ponder this glorious moment; I am absorbing his transition as an accomplishment, a job well done just as I did when he completed all his tasks and goals as my son and child in this world.

In one very tiny moment I realized that my son’s gift to earth; was a gift personalized and specialized for him.  He finished his journey and it was time to return home; his real Home.  

I am as proud as when he took his first step, said his first word, graduated from High School, completed with great pride boot camp, coming home from each deployment in Iraq gaining medals upon medals for his bravery, courage and accomplishments. 

Leaving him with one last accomplishment that comes with worldly medals of Bronze Star with Valor and Purple Heart and many others, however, the greatest medal of all was awarded him.  He lay down his life for his brother and was welcomed Home with the greatest achievement of all, “Well done, Son” from his Parents upon his return.

I can sense the homecoming.  I can only put it into worldly terms, Angelic music and singing, thousands of Angels welcoming “my son” with love.  The entire ambiance is steeped in love and peace.  There is such joy and love it is almost overwhelmingly beautiful.  My son, Jeremy, my precious gift for his lifetime finished his journey and it was time for him to return.

He was given the red box with the big bow that contained his gift of life on earth.  He received his beautiful gift completely knowing what his journey would entail; he received it with a glad heart and thankfulness for being given the gift of life and the new adventure in our world.

As he took that gift and played with it, toyed with it, lived it and at last the gift was depleted and completed; it was simply time to be welcomed Home and enjoy his much deserved celebration.

At last I celebrate with you, Jeremy.

In love and understanding I share,

Sandra xx

Memoirs with Jeremy

As I got up this morning it didn’t take long to find there was a power outage.  I took the kids outside and came in to prepare coffee; to no avail.  I did not have television, laptop and my cell phone’s battery was low.  With this sad I had no choice but to sit silently and listen to the nothingness that surrounded me.  It was glorious.

My first sight when I looked out my window was a baby hummingbird; due to the rain I refilled the feeder with fresh nectar.  It was wonderful watching the tiny jewel feasting and flitting about.  I called to him and said bring your friends; your friends are always welcomed and before long I had the more mature birds feasting as well.

Hummingbirds are special to me; they always have been and since my son’s transition they are even more so.  We were told once by a medium that when we see a hummingbird it meant Jeremy was here.  I have never had many hummers at my house and since his transition they have been coming to my feeder a bit more often.  It was such a luxury to watch them.

While I was observing them I heard a voice say to me “look at the birds of the air, I know them each one personally and care for them continually.  Do not think you have been forgotten for you have not and I will care for you as I do all the birds of the air and with love.”  I was then impressed to find the scripture that refers to this very pattern of thought and dialogue.

“Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not worth much more than they?”

The love I felt was astonishing and all I could do was wrap my arms around myself and say thank you, thank you.

I have forgotten about myself on so many levels during the transition of my son and the transformation of myself.  It is as though I am being rewritten and am trying to find the description of who I am and where I am going.  So this reminder that I am loved by the Universal God and that He too watches over me was what my broken heart needed.

As I was observing the beautiful and tiny little jewels I suddenly had a feeling there was a lesson in this for me today and then the dialogue and scripture came to me as though He was standing right next to me.

The lesson in this for me personally is that I believe totally that God loves me and takes care of me, watches over me.  I have total faith in that, however; I now am faced with looking at trust issues.  I have faith it can be done, but I need to trust it will be done. 

First it was an over the top emotional divorce and then more importantly my son’s transition.  The latter being the most painful thing that I could ever imagine; ever to happen to my son and our family.  I didn’t realize I was having a trust issue, although, it makes perfect sense to me that I do and would.

So in the glory of silence and stillness I hear the Lord’s voice speak to me of the birds of the air, how He cares for me and wants me to trust Him to be faithful to His Word. 

Father God never misses does He?  It is true that I am living in some fear; not just for myself and to be honest I am not sure were the fear lies exactly, but I think I have been nudged to find out.

I miss my son, he is still such a huge part of me and my life and forever will be.  I feel blessed that I have been granted a new journey with my son and that he is still with me on many levels.  I have been so very thankful and grateful to God the Father, Mother God, Archangels, light being and ascended masters for this.  I think my trust lies within the fact that this is more of a true and “real journey” than when Jeremy was with me in the physical form. 

Although I can’t see him as I did physically, hear his deep voice, see that sonshine smile, yes….I need to trust that this journey is just as real as the previous one with Jeremy, in fact, it is more real than when he was with me in the world.  This is definitely worth trust and faith.

I think the trust in this also accompanies the acceptance of the transition.  I thought I had to a degree been able to accept Jeremy’s nonphysical form, albeit so difficult.  But what I am zoning in on is that I am to trust the journey I am embarking upon and the transformation that is taking place within myself and know that God has me by my hand.

I will ponder this, open my heart and soul to trusting this new adventure that my son and I are on and trust the paths that it takes me.  I truly want to be all eyes, ears and open to anything I can learn and any revelation that I might be blessed with.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Memoirs with Jeremy

Awaken my soul and let my soul light permeate my physical form, ignite with life, love and light from within; connecting me to everyone and all things in love, peace and understanding; becoming one with the Universe and Spirit, being one with the Universal Mind of God and the One True Source.

I look out to the trees and see life; I love on my doggie kids and receive love and I look inside of myself deep within my soul to become ignited with the will to move forward with strength, love and a purity of my heart that comes from the Spirit.

I am pondering the thought of how selfish grief can be.  I have asked my son numerous times to forgive me for the lack of encouragement and sheer joy of his new adventure.  It’s not as though he has moved away to college and neither has he returned to another deployment, but he has moved onto another dimension; the spirit realm.  He is much more alive than I am and I am certain in a much more lovely, loving and peaceful place.

I know that my son lives on and it is what I hold onto and it is also the very thing that has pivoted me to a stronger spiritual journey.  I have read many books, have listened to many seasoned spiritual leaders; I have also quoted Ascended Masters and call on every Angel that is available to me for guidance, wisdom and strength.  I have found that Truth resides within me, strength awaits me from my core and guidance is just a whisper away.  Anytime, night and day and as often as I need all I have to do is go within myself and find the Spirit of God within me.  Each and every time I find the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I have had spiritual visits from my son, I have witnessed paranormal activity on many occasions, I have channeled my son and I have seen my dad and grandparents after they transitioned.

However; one thing remains as truth for me – these beautiful manifestations do not guarantee spiritual growth and that I have to find the real me that is waiting to awaken within me.  Our physical forms are temporary and what I believe is that our earthly forms are a vehicle by which we mature spiritually.  It is not about how successful we are, how many cars or homes we have, how much money is in the bank.  The true journey is to awaken within and remember that we are spirit.

I have grown in a sense because of the spiritual visuals and audios that I have witnessed but more so by the intrigue and questions that it has stirred inside me.  It is a confirmation that our loved ones are not d e a d, but have transitioned into the spirit realm, a new dimension, just on the other side of the veil.  Their energies vibrate much higher than ours because of our physical form and density giving our spirit a shell to wait within until we awaken our souls and become ignited with life, love and peace.

Our journey in this world in the physical realm is a blink of an eye to our infinite spirits that wait to be transitioned back into the nonphysical form. 

I share my thoughts, my visions, my paranormal, my journey and heart with you because I find strength within myself I can find the  very still and silent place that connects me and plugs me into life again.

I wish and pray for us all one thing; that is for our spirits to awaken to the One True Source.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

Infinite Angel Warrior

Memoirs with Jeremy

This is really different. I have been asking for a "conversation" with my son and verbally just didn't seem to work for me. Today I felt very "impressed" to open a conversation up via laptop... I started with a greeting to my son and then my fingers typed what is below.......I am xxx out some names for privacy....I can't tell you how this has blessed me....

I am not spell checking, grammar or changing typos etc. This is exactly how it came through but without the xx's of course:



Hi Sweetie – I sure am missing you and love you so much

Hi Madre – I am with you Mom and I love you very much too

I know you are doing well where you are in the other dimension….honey I so appreciate you showing me how well you truly are doing…all the things you have done to let me know you are with me still…..I feel in some ways you still live with me.

I am with you always mom and am doing everything I can reassure you that I do live on and a=I am in a better place.  I watch over you all the time.  You Shayda and Dad….I try to help xxxxxx….but…I can’t get through.

Are you still playing tricks on xxxx?

Yes….he has closed down his portal some but I reach out to him.

I do a lot while y’all sleep and we do meet in the sleep time Mom….we have met often and when you dream of me it is truly me.

I know Son…..the dream I had this morning was just a dream until I saw your face…gosh hon you are so beautiful always were….but there was such serenity on your face you looked like an angel.

I am an angel Mom….I have much to learn yet and am helpin other Marines as they come in.

What else do you do hon?

Learning the ropes mom

You are so powerful in the spirit realm

Yes many lives and why mine was so short this time….you me shay have had lifetimes together…

your xxx….?

Not as many…as you and Shay…that is one reason our connection is as strong as it is now and was when I was earthbound

I couldn’t do this without you Jeremy…

I know Mom I knew how hard it was going to be especially for you and Shayda that is one reason I have been around as much as I have…Shay and Nathan are beginning to open up so that I can begin reaching them more these days…

I am determined to see this through Jeremy…I feel as though I have lost you in another lifetime and perhaps didn’t do so good…

It’s true mom – we both have done this before but we have expanded and grown spiritually and are moving on to a better place

Are all of our four legged babies there

Yes, Max, Maz, Beka Samson and Lucy….Issa too….

I feel like you and xxx are a little estranged? 

Yes, we are working on that….

Gotta run Mom….we can do this again if this makes you feel better or help…..

I love you

Love you Mom

Memoirs with Jeremy

I am aware of Jeremy’s presence most days although the connection on a daily basis is more subtle.  I am really missing him as time goes by and yesterday I asked that he do something to confirm his presence.  I needed confirmation being a novice in the spirit realm of supernatural events and really it more affirmation than anything. 

The day went by and even though, as he does often, reassures me that he is connected to me saying “I am here mom”, I still need reassurance.  Realizing that I can speak with him it still gets quiet sometimes and that reminds me that it is my portal that has closed.

I wakened this morning and as I often do begin to thank the Spirit for the trees, my furry babies and from my heart am so grateful for what does remain; my daughter and her family, my mom and siblings, my dad’s family and the list goes on raising my vibration to the point that it isn’t as painful minutes later to face another day without my son in the physical realm.

I go about my routine of letting the kids out, giving their much deserved treats to them and head towards the kitchen.  I opened my door to the hallway which has a half-bath.  It is a pet peeve of mine that the door stay opened to the half-bath and there it was; the door was opened almost to the wall.  I won’t give you the details on why I keep the door barely cracked to vent air, how the kids are never left alone to nudge the door open in that area, etc.  There is no way, examining them all; this door could have “flung” itself wide open.

The door had very much been opened by “someone” and I even crept through my house thinking I had a visitor; knowing full well that my visitor in many ways still lives with me.  

I had to laugh because my son knows how to get my attention.  The door open prevents my going in and out of my bedroom without side stepping a bit to reach my room.  Then it being a pet peeve it would be exactly how he would “pick on” me in the physical realm.  He was always pulling practical jokes and provided much entertainment and fun around the house.  I am glad to know he still has his sense of humor.

To some this may seem a small thing, but to know me and how anal I can be about things around the house you would say….. “Oh my gosh”…..and know this wasn’t an accident.

I share this morning because I am hoping that it strikes a connection with you to know that our children live on and are not d e a d….they are very much alive in the spirit realm and are watching over us.  I just spoke to a mother whose daughter recently transitioned and she said she too felt her daughter’s presence.

I focus on that my son is alive and well, in fact, prior to his prank this morning I received a message from another party with Jeremy saying “I am happy, at peace, and I love you very much.  Please don’t worry about me.”  What more could a mom ask for than her child be at peace and happy, even though not with us…..hard I know, but regardless we want them at peace and happy.

If I focus that he has only transitioned from one “state” to another; physical to nonphysical, I find that my acceptance on the ladder of seven steps of grieving is much easier to understand.

If our children were d e a d it doesn’t get any more final than that and I would have to ask…. What’s the point?  I therefore accept his transition into a better life and know that I will see him again.

This may sound very harsh, however; it is a reality I have found within myself and I will share my thoughts and that is – grieving is a very selfish space.  I think of the grandchildren I won’t have and I think along the lines that Jeremy never bought his first house, never will have kids, he will never ride is motorcycle which was his “baby”, etc.  Yet I know within my heart of hearts these things are temporary and he finished his business and is now doing much more important business.

I have asked him to forgive me countless times because I know that the space I am occupying while I grieve is about me missing him, not seeing him in the physical realm, the list goes on and on.  Yet, knowing full well that HE is happy, HE is at peace and HE is in a beautiful and loving dimension and when I remind myself of where Jeremy truly is I start climbing out of midnight, or switch the light upon the inception of midnight and be HAPPPY FOR MY SON.

I also at that point remind myself that Spirit has given me a life to fulfill and I need to honor that and do so with as much love and appreciation I can muster.  This doesn’t mean that I am not entitled to grief, I am certainly.  What I am not entitled to is staying there for the rest of my journey; I would deliberately make the decision to be a walking “d e a d” person.

I also know I will have to remind myself of this more often than not because the reality in our time space is that in the physical realm I will and do miss him and that will never change, I however; will do my best to finish my journey to the very best of my ability and I know Spirit asks no more of me than that.

It has been sixteen months since Jeremy’s transition and I still have so much to learn but when you get to the bottom of what life is really about on earth; it is not about material things, successful businesses, money in the bank, etc.  It is about maturing, growing up and awaken to who we are. 

I feel as though I have been asleep most my life except for my children, I have been a sleep walker.  It is a very hard journey now with much anguish but at the same time my spirit is truly being awakened and I know my son is helping me and is helping with the preparation of my last “road trip” when it is time to leave this world.

I share this in hopes of that peace that does surpass all understanding for each and every one of us who have lost a child.  We are a unique species now and view the world differently than most but in sharing I pray that it gives us a moment’s pause for a deep breath, perhaps a long sigh that will awaken our spirits giving us strength, wisdom and peace to help others and we find our purpose in what seems like insanity right now.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xxoo

Memoirs with Jeremy

It’s been sixteen hard months of grieving for my son.  It is a very challenging journey.  I have lost friends and therefore only a few friends have been able to stick with me through the processing of my grief for Jeremy.  It is sad that we are not taught or well versed on such tragic loss for each other.  I can’t imagine how heavy the cloud of grief was over NYC on 9/11.  It is what catapulted my son to join the Marines.  He was in high school and when the horrid and murderous incident of our fellow countrymen dying by the plotting of terrorists he and many of his friends signed on to protect and serve America and their loved ones.  It is such an honorable and noble calling.  They each went straight from high school into boot camp and then to war.

My son felt a life calling into the Marines and after two tours to Iraq he volunteered his third tour because he had trained the “boys” who were fresh from high school and he felt responsible for them.  It was the same for his fourth tour in Afghanistan when he gave his final and ultimate sacrifice for his men, for the country he loved and for his family and friends that he loved and hoped to protect. 

It breaks my heart as a mom that no one protected my son and his medic.  My son was protecting his men and his medic would not leave Jeremy’s side because he was protecting my son.  They had no idea that they would end up as the target.  That is a very hard thing to accept.

However, with that said, there is so much to be learned from this kind of loyalty and love for your brothers and sisters; the love, loyalty and dedication so deep and true that they laid down their lives for the men they were fighting beside and for their families.

I have been thankful for what I can cling to and I know each parent finds a ray of sunshine that they too hold onto; that part of your child that you want to hold onto forever.  I have found that it doesn’t matter the vehicle by which our children have transitioned; the bottom line is they are no longer in the physical realm with us and it is a nightmare without them.  It is almost impossible to bear the days ahead and it takes much processing of shock, denial, time and it is a relentless circle of emotions.

It has been sixteen months as of yesterday; I was very blue and depressed and all I could do was stay in bed.  It is still so hard and what I know is that the fact that they have transitioned will be something we will face daily and we will miss them more with each day ahead of us, however; we are strong mentally, our bodies have built in mechanisms that help us carry this cross and our spirits are infinite and vibrates with strength, wisdom and courage.

I have spoken to many moms and they all have agreed that they have felt the presence of their son or daughter and that they also knew that they were being watched over by them.  They spoke of the great peace and comfort that it brought them and as mom’s to know they are well, happy, loved and blessed means everything to us.

Part of my journey now has been Jeremy’s presence being with me and he be the one orchestrating certain things in my life to help me out, he watches over me with love and there have been times he has done things in his nonphysical realm that has actually made me laugh.

He has held my hand, tucked me in at night, sat on the edge of my bed and watched over me making sure that I would awaken the next morning, he has told me hundreds of times “you can do this mom, you can do this”.  His encouragement and I’m not wishing to put any guilt on him and to help my daughter was the catalyst that moved me forward and in time I realized that I also had to do this for me.

I have to find my “new normal” and be open to how God would choose to use this in my life.  I truly want to give back; Jeremy has given so much and others have reached out to me and I so want to give back and help other parents with their child/children’s transition.

I have learned that on days that I am more fragile than others to never push myself.  If I cannot or do not want to do something, go somewhere, answer the phone or go to my door then I need to respect myself enough to grieve how I need to grieve and not try to please others in the process.

When a child transitions the best we can do for parents is be there and talk when they need to or not talk…..and just let them know that we are there for support and love them no matter what condition they are in, for better or worse.  For us to be able to say “I get it”….means the world or it has to me.  To know that someone truly understands the depth of loss and pain it has caused is priceless.  It doesn’t get easier, we don’t get through it and we aren’t going to overcome such an overwhelming loss in our lives but we can learn to integrate a new life experience and journey when we start facing the land of the living again.

We can find our own special way to complete our own personal journeys and hopefully bring inspiration to others, to give hope where there seems there will never be hope again, to help someone have visions and dreams of a life that works around the transition of our children.  We will find a special way because the way we perceived the world is not our perception now.  We look at the world differently and our priorities have changed, our goals are perhaps changed, to know there are others that are looking at the world as we do now just simply helps…..because you know that someone “gets It” because there is no describing the pain and it’s magnitude and how it affects us, there are no comparisons to the grief we endure, but to know there are others that so understand the path we are on does make the world seem a little more sane.

So today I will say yes it is extremely hard and nothing compares, but we are capable after the shock and denial start wearing off to go forward even though one baby step at a time.  It is a pain that we will learn to integrate into our lives but it takes time and more time, I would even go as far to say it takes practice.  Jeremy says to not go to midnight and I have learned that when the darkness, the midnight wants to overwhelm me and cover me in its cloth of agony “with practice” I have learned to switch the light on and let the light bath me in peace and the certainty that my son lives on.  I don’t focus on Jeremy’s physical departure; the darkness that waits for me there is steeped in agony and torment.  I focus on Jeremy’s new journey and adventure that is full of life, light and love. 

Because he is in the light that is filled with serenity, love, kindness and energy that is so peaceful that it ministers to my soul and heart and I realize I can move forward another step.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx  

Memoirs with Jeremy

As I open my eyes to face another day without my son I am determined to make today full of gratitude and thankfulness.  I start by my sweet and adoring four-legged kids who display love for me at all times, for the sun rising, the birds chirping and Spirit watching over me as I sleep and awaken to a new day.

Sixteen months ago I could not find the smallest thing to be thankful for; I dreaded opening my eyes and my stomach was hurling before my eyes even opened.  The dreaded reality of another day, another moment since the harsh news that was delivered on April 6, 2011 storms at my mind and heart.  Unfortunately as parents, we know that a huge part of us leaves with our children.  I have learned certain words that help me to speak of this day and I refer to it as Jeremy’s transition; I believe and know within my own heart he has transitioned to another dimension.

I have found that I can have closure on things that I should have done and didn’t, things I said that I shouldn’t, being preoccupied instead of listening and all the things that were on our “to do list”, Christmas and birthday gifts that can’t be exchanged and all the physical hugs that are now gone with that precious smile of his.

In the beginning my focus was getting through each day for my son, to make him proud and my daughter to hopefully see strength and grace within me.  For them both to feel the intensity of my love for them; the unconditional love that is infinite.

Now I have learned that processing this should not be just for my children, but for me as well.  I have my own personal journey to complete, I have my personal spiritual growth and I am learning to be thankful for each day that God has given me for I believe not to be is an insult to our Creator.  I am learning that to not love myself now and take care of me is not being in thanksgiving and gratitude and therefore saying to God the gifts you give me every day mean nothing to me.

In the processing of Jeremy’s transition for the last sixteen months I have found that to do this right and not just get through each day, but truly bring honor to our Creator, the Divine is for me to extend love every chance I get, to forgive myself and others, to honor the soul within me and to honor the soul in each and every person I have the blessing to come across.  To be kind, courteous, loving and thankful for all of God’s smallest creations to the largest, to love the song of the birds each morning and the dew on the grass is fulfilling a part of my journey and to respect everyone’s journey.

It was an eye opener for me to understand and realize that even my doggie babies have emotional needs and not neglect them in the process of neglecting myself.  I have put them first in caring for them and loving them, but they need me to talk to them, tease them and be playful, they are so happy when I have a laugh with them and are so sad when I am struggling getting through the day.

When I realized that Ella and Gabriel needed me to be happy and laugh I also realized that I needed that as well and that it was hoped of me by our Creator that I would be thankful for my own life and treat myself as a gift from God.

This has been a most difficult journey and in sixteen months the transformation and progress I have made may seem small to many but to me it is a huge hurdle.  Especially considering that I couldn’t get out of bed for being so exhausted and my body frail from grief.  My mind so tormented that being around anyone that was productive made me even more depressed and to be around those who were truly happy made me want to cry.  Why Jeremy?  Why not me instead? 

The hardship this puts on a family is beyond comprehension and yet our spirits are strong and are will is of steel; taking each moment at a time, then each day as it rolls around and then month by month.  Our real time reality is not the same as our Creator’s.  What seems an eternity to us is just scratching the surface where God and our children reside on the other side of the veil, that beautiful dimension where they are strong, happy, and full of love, light and energy and helping us process our challenge of life without them.

It is what our journey is made of now and I want to do this for my children so that I can be a strong and loving example for my daughter and make my son proud of me that I have survived this, however; for God, the Spirit our Creator I want a true “job well done” for I know that to just survive this isn’t enough it is about me finishing my journey and loving myself in the process of each step I take and every path that is placed in front of me.

I have a purpose that needs to be fulfilled and gifts that need to be shared; my life and destiny needs to be completed.  I believe that no one transitions before their time and that our Father God calls them home no matter the age they are or the vehicle by which they transitioned.  I truly believe this with all my heart and with that said I find that being thankful for the twenty-six years with Jeremy and keeping my eyes on the fact that he does live on just in another dimension that it helps me feel connected with him and even more so with Spirit for I do believe that we are all one with the Universe, Universal Mind, Mother Nature and Father Spirit.

There is hope for a better life than the moment we are in for now because I believe in love and within that love is a salve for our hearts and a peace that does surpass all understanding.  I know that Jeremy much prefers that I enjoy the duration of my journey and he has taught me not to just stay out of “midnight” but to not let myself go to “midnight”.  The darkness that waits for us in midnight will destroy us but if we reach for the light and remain there we will find everything we need to be thankful for what remains.  Our children are there in the Light, urging us forward with love and preparing our special place with them.  They love us want the best for us and they are watching over us…..

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx