Memoirs with Jeremy

I am shedding ideas of this world as though it is a skin that is peeling from my physical body.  I wither and rub against those worldly things to remove all the lifetime of pain and sorrow.  I brush and scrape against things that are hard and harsh to further remove this skin I have been encased in for so long.  I am thinking it is not just this lifetime but perhaps many lifetimes of things I have brought back with me into this world.  It has all resulted and culminated since the physical death of my son.

So much has surfaced and pinnacled in the last nineteen months that it is hard to identify everything that courses through my heart.  My priorities are not the same, I do not perceive the world as I once did and I have been given an opportunity through this horrendous tragedy to see the world through different lenses.

As the skin peels from my body after all the excruciating scouring pain leaving an inch at a time; it is replenished with a gloss and a shine of pure light that permeates every cell.  After a while, the skin starts the process again chafing and fraying at layers and wearing away of the old until the new comes forth in renewed strength and courage to continue to carry the mantle that has been given me to wear the duration of my journey.

I choose to honor this mantle for it is the legacy of my son and all he stood for while in this world.  As I choose this mantle I am given glimpses of afterlife that is surreal.  I am blessed with nuggets that help me to continue shedding the layers of worries and pain of long ago and the most painful of all; my son leaving this world and going into another before me.

I choose to see through the lenses of spiritual light, the white light that frees our souls and carries us through the torrential downpour of tears for a love that has been put to the test.  Not the love for my son for it is immutable but the kind of love he knew of for his brothers in arms.   I want to honor Jeremy’s legacy by the kind of love that he shared with his beloved country and men, the kind of love that Jesus speaks of in his teachings, the kind of love that says “the spirit in me honors the spirit in you”. 

I proudly wear the mantle that has been gifted me through my son and I pray that I do everything within my power to bring honor, love and peace to Jeremy’s legacy for the remainder of my journey.

To truly walk in the love and peace that surpasses all understanding I must know who I am, the real me; my authentic self.  To continually be a pathfinder and keep the Light shed on my path so that it yields love, understanding and recognition of each soul and spirit I encounter.  To not judge or even question another’s journey but extend powerful intentions of love, respect and honor.

The mantle of grief comes with reflective fabric woven with love, each thread representing a special memory that will endure lifetimes.  The mantle brings wisdom and understanding when worn in love.  The mantle can be cast away in fear and anger, however; when worn in faith it does yield the fruits of love and honor bringing strength and so importantly “the peace that surpasses all understanding”.

Jeremy, my love for you is infinite and immutable albeit challenging I wear the mantle of grief proudly.  I am honored to disclose the legacy of love and loyalty that you have left your friends and family.  May we always bring you honor as you have brought honor to us all.  May we touch those who are in need of love and understanding as you have even as a warrior to protect the men who fought by your side.  May we always be honest and loyal as you every minute of every day in all things.  May we love as fiercely as you do.  May we all learn to live life to the fullest as you have in this world.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx Proud Mom of Ssgt Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

The worst thing we can do to ourselves is to deny our emotions and keep them suppressed.  We must, no matter how painful, look at our emotions straight on; no matter how unbearable they are.  It is imperative that we learn how to grieve yet stay out of the darkness that would call us.  This is the most useful tool I have learned over the last nineteen months; learning to grieve but staying out of Midnight.

We have to let the emotions rise from our core and spread throughout our being coming forth in tears to release the fear of what is truth; our children have transitioned.  However; going to darkness takes our grief to an entirely different level.  To go to Midnight is the unfathomable hell of finality.  To stay in Midnight could challenge our physical bodies to the point of illness and/or death.

There is no formula to grief.  It has a full range of emotions and illnesses and there is no set time or boundaries to grief.   You should never judge yourself regarding how much grief is enough grief.  There is not a right or wrong way to grieve.  Everyone is different and handles how they grieve and when they grieve differently.  Everyone is different in regards to how they handle themselves and uniquely process their circumstances.

We lose a part of ourselves when a child transitions before us.  We feel incomplete and my estimation is that we are not whole any longer; a huge part of us transitioned with our children.  It is essential for us to find a healthy process to our grief and find the new normal so that we can go forward and complete our own destinations. 

Our children had their own private and personal paths and I am thankful that Jeremy and I shared our destination; that he chose me to be his mom.  Keeping focused on the positive, anything that you can find positive, no matter how small will assist you to process your tragedy in a more healthy way.

I have found being thankful for any and everything I can find positive helps in a more positive grieving process.  I remember months ago finally being thankful for the trees and the songbirds and that was a huge step for me.  I can now be thankful for the things in my life that remain; my daughter and her family, the sun, the moon, the stars, the sky, oceans and mountains. 

If I let my soul be thankful for the beautiful things of the earth then it helps me to have more positive and loving energy than when I do not.  We can process positive and loving energy more efficiently and effectively than anything negative which deters us from processing on a healthy level.

Our lives were predicated upon our personal beliefs systems, goals and future with our children; now I feel totally incomplete and sometimes out of control, however, for me to find the balance and not dabble in insanity, I find to grow spiritual and to stay in the Light helps me to become stronger and I do find the “peace that surpasses all understanding” which helps me to find a place where grieving is more manageable.

The reason I can find a semblance of peace is that I know that Jeremy does live on in another dimension; in the spiritual world.  I know he is doing better than I could ever hope, dream or imagine for him.  Jeremy lives.  Jeremy is alive, well, happy and filled with love and joy.  I have seen him, I have witnessed his energy and he assures me that he never leaves me.  He has helped me through the grieving process more than I can convey.  He is and has been since the inception of this tragedy a breath away.

Admittedly, there are days that his absence in the worldly realm causes much heartache, but at the same time it is proof that he was once with me in the physical realm and that being his mom is a truth and reality that means more to me than I could possibly say.  I read once that “pain is the legacy and proof that our loved ones were once here…”  There isn’t anything more beautiful than love and our tears for them albeit sad for it does prove the infinite love we have for our children.  I know in my heart and soul that they look upon us wishing us peace and urging us forward to a new normal.

I will say that I would go through this again to have the blessing of being my son’s mom even though knowing that after a short period of time that sorrow at great depths awaits me.  It is worth every agonizing tear and the broken heart that I now have.  I would never change being Jeremy’s mom; it has been the most beautiful gift bestowed me in this lifetime.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps,

03-09-85 – 04-06-11 - in honor of you today son with much love

Memoirs with Jeremy

I see a miracle in the trees swaying in the breeze and the rustle of the leaves with bees buzzing from plant to plant pollenating as it goes by.

To me a miracle is when I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin or the moon shedding light on a path to guide me.

I see a miracle in the sweet-innocent souls of children and their zest for life, when love graces your eyes with an elderly couple lovingly holding hands; best friends forever.

To me it is a miracle to walk underneath the trees in a forest or sand between my toes warm from the sun with the scent of the ocean filling my lungs.

I see a miracle in sitting at a table with friends and family; provisions made to share one with the other laughing and coming together in harmony and love.

To me a miracle is watching the birds of the air spreading their wings across the blue sky without a care; their song filling my ears and my heart with their sweet symphony of angelic melodies.

I see a miracle is the vastness of the sky of endless planets and the air we breathe that goes into infinity, the boundless oceans and seas with all it contains, the mountains jetting from the earth in glory, the stars shining and glimmering quietly, every hour and every minute ticking one by one in this space and time reality.

To me a miracle is sensing oneness with my son in all things and being blessed with the manifestation of his visits saying I live on Mom, I am here, I am with you and we are forever connected.

 

I see the miracle in the legacy of courage, loyalty and love in its purest essence left to the world by Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, Untied States Marine Corps and all men and women of uniform who have sacrificed their lives so that we are free and live in safety.

 

 

In love and honor to my son Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85-04-11-06 who gave the ultimate sacrifice for us all.  You make me so proud son and it is an honor to be your mom.   You, my Warrior Angel, are a very special miracle, thank you for all you have done for your family and for America.

Thank you to all men and women of uniform for all your sacrifices including the ones we know not of.

Memoirs with Jeremy

Today marks nineteen months since the inception of my son’s transition.   This is a month that is extremely challenging.  The month of voting, Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving and family birthdays; all of these events at one time in my life were days of honor and/or celebration.  Today they mark heartbreak for me along with many other military moms.

I had a patriotic sign made for Jeremy in his honor for his sacrifice in Afghanistan.  It brings me sorrowful pride to plant the sign in the soil in front of my home; I have thoughts of love, respect and honor for my son yet personally I feel I have been relegated to a sign post to point to my son’s greatest achievement.

I want to bring honor to Jeremy on Veteran’s Day, I want to smile and focus on our good memoires on Thanksgiving Day and I want to share his love and joy for his family on their birthdays, but more importantly I choose the honor and I choose the love hoping I can be his conduit to continue sharing his loving energy.

I am not angry with Jeremy’s choice of profession or his sacrifice; it makes me extremely proud of him.  I am not angry with Spirit for Jeremy’s decisions on his journey’s path; he did have free will and free choice.  But, for the mom in me it is an extremely heavy cross to bear every minute of every day and this month with all its special events only points me to an overwhelming sadness.

Even though I know Jeremy lives on and is in a place of unfathomable joy, peace and love the hard truth is that it leaves a gaping hole in my heart and emptiness in my soul.  I work hard not to focus on his physical death yet there are times, days and certain months that leave me no choice but to look at the empty place at the table or the lack of imprint where my son once slept.

He is my child and will always be my “baby”; Jeremy is my only son and it is so very sad for me that he is no longer in the physical realm laughing his contagious laugh and flashing that notorious grin of his.  There is no way to convey to someone who hasn’t walked in these shoes the agony of the empty arms and heart that once was filled with unconditional love for a son.

Yet, I will go forward.  I will be thankful for things that remain and have a heart full of gratitude for my daughter, grands and family.  I will reach for the light, I will mentally and emotionally shut down to Midnight and in the mist of life I will be choosing to grow spiritually. 

I reach for the love and peace that surpasses all understanding; the place also of light and love and where my beautiful son is now.

I am so very proud of you Jeremy, I love you unconditionally.  I always have and I always will.  You were and still are a beautiful gift to us all.  I love you son, infinitely and immutably.

In your honor on Veteran’s Day and also for all those who have sacrificed for America.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Very proud mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC, 03-09-85 – 04-06-11