Memoirs with Jeremy

Although I have learned “Namaste”; the spirit in me honors the spirit in you and know that it is important that I respect others journeys, for a complete circle of truth to be birthed is complete forgiveness.

It doesn’t matter the insensitivites, lack of moral perception, the standard or measurement of integrity or the quality of ethics that has been even subtly displayed toward my family I have come to realize that by holding them accountable I have enforced judgment upon them.  Even in my heart knowing that the actions or lack thereof to be true I am not connected to the Spirit’s perception of anyone unless I walk in love and extend love and compassion to all.

I see that not by exercising complete forgiveness that I have let darkness in and by recognizing the error of my thinking and perceptions of honoring their spirit, respecting their journey that I must feel true compassion and love to be in alignment with Spirit.

I must not judge why they did or did not but see the spirit in them that is the Spirit of God in us all.  I am not being in the present but allowing the past to overcast my present and therefore stopping the flow of enlightenment.

With that said, there is a season for others in our life and when we gently let them go we should do so in love, compassion and forgiveness and not hold them accountable for anything that is in the past for the future of enlightenment is Now.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Memoirs with Jeremy

What a bumpy road this has been and is still……it’s an emotional roller-coaster ride having lost my only son seventeen months ago.

When my son, Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC, transitioned on 04-06-11 I was literally in a fog; walking around in shock.   I was thankful for the built-in shock system knowing that if it weren’t there I would not have survived such horrifying news.  Then the shock starts thinning out a bit and your mind lets in a sliver of reality; at that point I was thankful for denial.  I have never faced such fear and darkness; what my son in his last letter to me referred to as “Midnight”.

I have mentioned that I have run up and down the seven rung ladder of grief; many times and I know that I will continue spending the remainder of my journey learning acceptance.

I have also mentioned that acceptance for me is that my son still lives; just on the other side of the veil.  I can accept that he will not return physically albeit very difficult and challenging but the finality of physical death is too cruel but with the knowledge that my son has transcended to another dimension is what I can “live” with.

The inception of the news delivered to my front door was utterly shocking.  I have spent months trying to find the balance of physical earthbound realities versus spiritual enlightenment.  All my beliefs, values, priorities, confidence and almost everything I stood for was either out the window or re-evaluated.

I have literally reverted to a “new birth” having to learn coping and survival skills and techniques and to walk and live again; finding a “new normal”.

I have seen myself at the embryo stage curled up in a ball with thoughts of where am I, what have I done, why my son, why not me and the list goes on.  I have since learned to lean on my Source for guidance, strength where I find the peace I always mention that surpasses all understanding. 

I am a newborn infant; I can’t even take care of myself.  But as time goes on I learn to sit up, I learn to crawl, I have learned all about baby steps, waddling around and at last walking myself through the day and getting back to somewhat of a routine; almost everything has changed in the last seventeen months.  But I have made baby step progress.

I have faith that I will report that I run again; marathons even and that I will learn to play and laugh carefree as a child.  I know to live again is in my future and I know that my son wants me to be happy and to live life to the fullest. 

The truth is that for me this is the fullest today and that is one of the skills I have learned.  I must know my own limitations and embrace what I can only when I can and not be too hard on myself.  Others may think that it has been long enough to “move on”.  The thing about that is that you do not move on from your children, you don’t get through this for you are never done with them and this is one thing that time will never heal but you do learn to put your grief in a special place in your heart and learn to hold their hand from a distance. 

I have lost a parent, a few years ago and that was very hard.  But, a child transitioning before you is the big daddy of challenges but one we can face and find that new normal so that our journey is completed with enlightenment.

There is hope, there is light and life is a gift to each of us and we must never take it for granted but learn to be thankful even in our darkest hours.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Memoirs with Jeremy

The family was caught off guard and blindsided by a picture of my son this week.  It was one of those that were taken of him unawares and he was relaxed and strolling along as if he would be returning home in a few hours.  We have viewed so many military pictures and have been able to put some distance between us and his profession, however; seeing him in a natural setting being himself was a true trigger and so surreal.

I have to remind myself of one of the last pictures taken of Jeremy when he was in Afghanistan; he was truly happy to be there.  Jeremy was doing what he needed to fulfill himself, his goals, and his professional measurement and was with “his guys”; the men he trained.  He was really happy and he glowed from the inside out.  I try to keep that smile burned into my memory banks at all times.

If I could be given the opportunity to ask my son to stay and not to return to another deployment, if I had a chance to say to him – please stay with your family; knowing what I know and knew on a spiritual plane, I could never ask my son to shirk his calling, his responsibilities and his God given skills as a warrior to stay home with me and the family.  I could not and to this day, I would not.  There is no doubt, though the outcome was a tragedy; he was on his charted path.

We are called as parents to accept the unacceptable, to resist denial of the truth and reality of our children being torn from us.  Going back to the seven steps of grief; shock, denial, fear, depression, anger, guilt and acceptance; I have gone up and down the ladder of these seven steps over the last seventeen months over and over again.  I suspect that I will do for the remainder of my journey. 

I can handle all of the aforementioned “steps” except for one and that is acceptance.  It is still too mind shattering for me, the reality is too cruel and painful to accept.

I, however; can accept that my son has transitioned.  I cannot even say the word “d e a d” ….. I can only say with peace that he has transcended into another dimension.  I can handle that.  I can accept the fact that he does live on.  I can celebrate his new life experience in the spirit realm, although there are days that it is still very hard because I do miss him so much.  I can’t imagine as time goes on that missing him will become easier. 

But, knowing that time is of no consequence in the spirit realm; there is no time-space reality as we have on earth and I am a short journey away to being reunited with him.

With that said, I try to focus as much as possible of what remains of my journey.  I cannot totally give into the grief or surrender to the pain that surges my veins – not yet.  I feel if I let go too much and too soon of the control of resisting and surrendering that my mind would crack like humpty dumpty.  The despair and agony run too deep, the fear is too dark and I can only surrender one little sliver at a time.  So my focus is that he is a layer away, right through the veil of the skin that my soul uses as a vehicle on this earth. 

I know that this is my cross to bear and I have grown spiritually from it, however; even though I accept that my son has transcended, it doesn’t make my cross any less heavy or painful.  It is a paradox really; bearing the painful cross spiritually brings me to the peace that truly does surpass all understanding.

For me to survive my son’s transition I must slowly go into acceptance because it would truly blow my mind; I might never return.  I am not speaking of being in denial but finding the balance of feeling the pain and suffering spirit, soul and body; connecting to our Source and calling on the Higher Power to extinguish the fire when it starts to become all consuming, pulling me out of the flames just before I implode or explode.  Therefore, connecting with our Source, being present and in the now; bearing the cross from one moment to the next, being careful with the fragility of the physical death of my beloved son yet drawing strength from the Source to endure the pain and agony that bears down on me is truly walking the tight rope.

I can only share what helps me.  What works for me or helps me may not be the same set of tools that would help you.  But I do share in hopes that it helps parents to seek their skill set to help them through this hardship.

I can only say keeping focused on Jeremy being in the Spirit realm alive and well; happy even, praying, meditating, focusing on the Universal love of Spirit, calling on the Archangels to assist and guide me, leaning on my Guardian Angel, learning, searching, asking and becoming enlightened and in alignment are the things that has taught me survival.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

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I sometimes wonder if I have actually made progress. Just last night I had a total hissy fit. But as I awoke this morning I fill as though the chakras have been cleansed and I am in alignment today. There is much work to be done on my path and my journey. I am determined to see it to the end. I forgive myself for my shortcomings for I am still finding the balance of celebrating my son's new dimension and the absence of his presence in this one. I sure hated he had to watch such drama; it was a tantrum. However, I know I must grieve and release the sorrow. I remembered a poem I had written after Jeremy's birthday in March. I will have to say my hardest of all days was his birthday; I ached for him to be my child again. I pulled up the poem and realized that within the last six monthhave gone forward and it gave me strength to know I have made some progress; even if one step forward and back again; I have gone forward some how. I share this poem/thoughts with you now.

 

 

MOTHERS CRYING THROUGHOUT THE WORLD

 

When my tears finally subside for just awhile; I lie quietly contemplating the agony my life is in.   If I listen closely I can hear all the other mothers all over the world crying for their children who are now men.  It is our cries for our sons the brave and the called to serve our country and save others even to their end.

After the sobbing leaves your body wracked with pain and grief, after you cry until exhausted still knowing there will never be any kind of relief.  You cry yet again your eyes are as dry as sand knowing you will always miss your child that became that brave man.

Yes I can hear the sobs the cries the agony and feel even the tears.  I can fill the anxiety and the place in the heart filled with fear.  Not ever, forever will my son or yours return home for Sunday lunch, not a holiday one will ever be the same it will just be crushed.  No matter how long or how hard our bodies are grieved with enormous pain…. Our boys will not be coming home again.

With that said and so many thoughts good and bad going through my head.  My heart is so proud and I am so honored to have birthed, raised and had the blessing of knowing such a man.  My son, your son all over the world… what is it about really…. Its energy, its power, but in the end; when it is said and done it is all about love.  Crazy as it sounds and insane as it may be everything our sons have gone through and died for are for you and for me.

 

God Bless our entire military and the United States of America and our World.

Sandra K. Harris-Smith

Proud mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC

Written March 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

This was a personal message for the family. I felt that it might help other famalies that need clarification on your past and present family and friends.

I have been awake since 4:00 a.m. It is now 6:16 a.m. – add those together you get 13. According to numerology the number 13 signifies “The ascended masters (such as Jesus, Qaun Yin, Buddha, etc.) are with you, helping you maintain a positive outlook. The 13 signifies that female ascended masters and goddesses are assisting you to stay positive.” (That is pretty intense since the number 13 has been claimed unlucky in our society. With what little I have learned from numerology you add 6+1+6=13.)

But if you added 16+6 being 22; the number 22 according to numerology signifies “The angels can see the positive results of your prayers, and they want you to have patience and stay optimistic while the final details are being worked out in Heaven. This is an urgent call from the angels to“keep the faith!!!” (Perhaps both of these were meant to be explored.)

I am addressing the time because since 4:00 a.m. I have been having thoughts come through my heart and mind and have felt I am supposed to share these ideas. The ideas at first seemed to be putting out negative energies and I am trying very hard these days to have good energy and doubted that I should share these thoughts. With that said; I was also prompted to look at the time and fetch my numerology guide.

I suspect that you are guessing that what I am about to share I feel like is from our Jeremy and yes I obviously do too. However; I am reluctant to put this on him because I could be wrong of my assessment, but really…… I don’t think I am. I believe he is trying to heal, clarify, love and honor us.

Just one more thing, I have a friend staying with me for a few days…..she asked me if I was in the office early this morning because she noticed the light was on in “Jeremy’s office” for about ten minutes. Just sayin’……….. (And no it wasn’t me).

Thoughts- you will note that Jeremy speaks directly at times as I type; however these thoughts are all what he shared with me this morning:

As Jeremy’s family filled with love and respect for him all his days and supported him in all he did even when it brought us heartache; this made him love us deeper than we could possibly know. He without ever doubting for one second knows how much we love and honor him.

He has seen the disappointment that some have caused us; some for not being strong enough to help because of their sorrow, some because they simply didn’t know what to do or say to us and others because they live within themselves and think only about how they are doing for now. Respectfully, these people being the ones that have more life experiences to learn from on their path and journey to enlightenment.

Jeremy looks over us and protects us and is with each of us daily.

People come into our lives for a reason. People also exit our lives for reasons; some stay longer than others, some are with us for a very short time and others for eternity. Yes, Mom the family is eternity.

There comes a time when we hold onto people too long and must release them from our lives. It is time for the family to see clearly that there are those who now need to be released. Do not hang onto anyone in honor or love for me.

I wish you to not put misplaced emotions, loyalty, love or honor in hearts that don’t understand. Because you love and honor me know that I do not wish you to misplace your love and loyalty in those who have yet to earn a place within the family’s heart. That place is reserved and earned with love, loyalty and honor. Oohrah

There are a few relationships that were meant to be only for a short period because of my allotted time on earth but these relationships were not what they seemed and were more of an “agreement”, Mom would say “charted”.

This isn’t a directive because you have free will. What this is – is me clarifying that you don’t need to hang onto those because of how I felt on earth for them. There have been unnecessary burdens and injustices and hurt placed on the family and I want to release you to feel free and know that your choice will not affect me or disappointment.

I want to see the family heal, come together and not be divided, be strong and there be unity. There have been times I thought the family was going to disintegrate for you each have been attacked psychically. I love you and have your best interest and intentions at all times. Oohrah

Well, that wasn’t at all what I thought was gonna go down but I don’t dare change it….. In doing this kind of “channeling” it is hard because you wish not to put “words” in Jeremy’s mouth…..however; for some reason he wishes me to share this with you. Perhaps there is something on the horizon that he wants to put a red flag on.

The point being the family isn’t obligated to pursue his relationships for those he interacted with in this world; some of which need to be released for their own healing.

Please take what you feel is spot on……this was hard for me to do because I don’t want to interfere with your free will with that said Jeremy definitely will not interfere…..he will protect when and how he can. I don’t think he will ever bring this up again…….and perhaps “should” do….

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Memoirs with Jeremy

It will be seventeen months tomorrow and I am sure missing my son in the physical realm.  However, with that said, in many ways I have spent more time with him in his nonphysical form than I did while he walked with us in this world.  Jeremy was gone so much of the time after he graduated High School due to all the deployments and time spent at Camp Pendleton, however; he was great about staying in touch with the family when he could.

I have spoken to parents who have suffered a few years of grief and others that have had ten years and it is said that we will learn to live with our children’s transition but that it never gets “easier”.  I find for me it is much safer to focus on Jeremy’s transition and the afterlife; being in tune with the fact that Jeremy lives on than to focus on his departing this world.  Focusing on death is so final in the physical realm; our world.  However; knowing that Jeremy is alive and happy in another dimension gives me such hope and focus spiritually.

I know we all handle our cross that we now bear much differently one from the other but it all comes down to not having our children with us for the rest of our journey in this world.  I have been asked if I could have Jeremy return would I?  The answer, hands down, is no.  He charted his life, completed his goals, transitioned and transcended with honors.  How could I possibly be selfish enough to want him to return knowing how happy he is.

Admittedly, in the inception of our tragedy; I begged, bargained and came up with all kinds of reasoning regarding Jeremy returning.  These are truly the darkest hours and are filled with tormenting anguish.  My sweet and loving son has taught me how to stay out of Midnight and I have learned to slam the door to the darkness that awaits my mourning; I am very sensitive to Midnight calling me and the attempt to cover me with a blanket of darkness.  I simply say no, I will not return to Midnight and I reach for the Light.  I call upon The Spirit, Archangels, Ascended Master and my son who has been a tremendous teacher and guiding me with such compassion and love; the Light diminishes darkness in a Nano-second.  Darkness cannot stay for The Light dispels the darkness instantly.

I personally do little things that help bring me comfort; some of which some would think I need a white jacket that would hug me.  I leave little notes telling Jeremy I love him, I will have a special food that he loves during preparation will talk to him about how we enjoy our cookouts, etc.  I have a chair that he sat in in my room with pillows and a reading lamp.  I have a special wall with all his beautiful military pictures and underneath special pictures of Jeremy and my daughter and a few including myself.  I had a special “street sign” made with his name, Texas and USMC printed on it and I fly his Marine flag and our country’s flag next to it – Memory Lane.  Anything I can do, say, or make that would bring him honor and to always keep his memory alive; I will do this as often as possible.  I make it a point to never refer to him as “d e a d” and never refer to him in the past tense.  He is after all still my son and he does live on; just somewhere else – just a thin veil away.

I do not label myself regarding religion, politics or any other forms of labeling; I stay as positive and open as I can making sure that I always walk in the Light and try to make sure my armor isn’t chinked because friends and family can bring lower energies that can affect me. I too can succumb to lower energies and stay in prayer mode and in the Light as much as possible; even during my mundane chores. 

I try to keep a thankful and grateful heart for all things that have been gifted to me and for all those who are still with me.  I am more active than before and I concentrate on being a good steward regarding all of my blessings. 

I work it all very hard including finding as many positive ways to look at our tragedy.  There is always something that you can find to be thankful for and stay in gratitude of.  However; in the beginning I did not – it has taken a lot of tears and long days and nights to work myself to just being thankful to wake up.

I look pretty ridiculous sometimes because I have found, purely by accident that I frown all the time…. I caught a glimpse of my reflection a few times and so now I will make myself smile – even though I don’t feel up to….. I am sure it is a pretty frightening look but before it is over I am laughing at myself for being so goofy. 

Anything my friends to bring a little joy and laughter because it is salve to the heart and soul and healing to the bones.

My physical fitness had gone downhill and I am being very careful with myself to become healthy and stay that way.  I make sure I get the rest I need – that various from day to day.  Some days take more out of me than others and I require more sleep.  I am careful to not eat foods that are not healthy for me and not drink or take anything that would enhance my depression.

It is a forward journey now even though there are still steps back periodically. I hope my intent by sharing and exposing myself is that I help someone, anyone somewhere.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx