Memoirs with Jeremy

Well, I have hit the five year mark.  It seemed an impossible journey at the inception of our tragedy.  I was told by other moms that have lost children that it would take between three to five years to join the human race again.  At the time, five years seemed to be millions of years away.

There is truth to the numbers.  I am more functional than even a year ago.  The sadness never leaves you - not sure I will every completely be happy again; but I do have happy moments. 

When I would have a happy moment several years back I would have a twinge of guilt about it.  I am not sure why except it just didn't seem to fit in my world without Jeremy.  However; with that being said I know he wants me to be happy and I grasp at happiness as much and as often is possible.  It is a quandary actually because I don't want him feeling guilty about leaving us so soon.  Irrational; I know.  But, there is nothing rational about losing your child.

I am astounded at the number of moms who have lost children.  Standing in a store one day I overheard two women discussing losing their sons.  I couldn't help but say "I lost my son too".  Right there in the same aisle with women from young to elderly were five women in one spot that had lost a child.  I was astounded - I guess that would fall into the category that misery loves company.  But, what it did for me was to help me overcome feeling alone and an enigma.  It made me stronger knowing if they could do it so can I.  I would really like to think I do so with some dignity as well.  These women were my heroes at the end of the day.

Yes, five years on 04-06-11 - he was 26 for three weeks.  I miss him until it hurts.  I have cried until there are no more tears.  I have become a recluse in these five years and am now being a little social.  Life doesn't shine like it did before and I have little to offer any kind of relationship...I am surviving.  That it what we are - survivors. 

I am a bit more social these last six months so the numbers of 3-5 years rings very true for me.  My life has totally changed.  I live in a small town in an rural area with my four-legged children and have started a small business that keeps me busy.  The fur babies and small business give me a reason to get up and start my day.

This might sound boring and even a small step forward, but it is huge for me.  I am thankful for every day now and go about thanking God for what I do have and for the opportunity and blessing of being Jeremy's mom.  I would do it all again for him....He is my Sonshine.

In loving memory,
Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I spent March 9, 2016 my son's 31st birthday downloading photos onto Facebook to share some memories and I like to think I keep his spirit "alive"  and earthbound by sharing.  There were so many likes and comments and found a lot of support and love for Jeremy.  It helps on many dimensions; keeping me busy and seeing love pour out to him for his sacrifice.  I looked at pictures for the first time in almost five years.  To date I had not been able to bear even seeing a picture of my beautiful son; just so painfully hard.  I feel a small amount of progress to have done this for him.

I also had my mom and sister here to support me.  My sister brought red, blue and white flowers in his honor, mom made lunch and I made an apple pie from scratch in his honor.  This also help to fill in the spaces of time.

I have had two hard days afterward though.  It seems the day of I am busy and capable of keeping somewhat distracted even though my heart and body are screaming in pain.  The last two days I feel "hungover" (not from booze) and severely depressed.  Those of you who have jobs to go to - I really don't know how you do it.  My mind and body are "PTSD'd" .... well, I am more functional than even a year ago.....the birthday is very hard.

Now on the heel of his birthday - I have 04-06-11 looming over me....so I go from one devastating date to the other.

Spiritually I had a few things significant that happened.  I felt very "impressed" to give a perfectly good pair of his cowboy boots to someone and they were so appreciative.  It seemed to me that was Jeremy's birthday gift - to give to someone in need - just like him too.   So proud of you son.  There were many subtle things that I felt Jeremy close - nearby - watching over me.  His presence these days is like having one foot/toe in the door whilst busy somewhere else.

Five years .....I am so thankful to have the darkest hours behind me.  It would be easy to slip back into despair sometimes, but that is so intensely dark and scary I would never return.  I keep my eyes and ears open spiritually; I keep a thankful heart for many things remaining including my daughter and I keep my eyes on heaven and all the angels who help me every day.

Happy Birthday Son - I love you more today than I did yesterday and even the past moment.  I love you and am so thankful I get to be your mom.  So, so thankful for that!!!  I would go through all the darkness and pain again just to spend time and be your mom. 

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC 03-09-85 - 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

had a fleeting thought Monday.... I was thinking how nice it would be to receive some flowers from my son Jeremy for Valentines. Yesterday these lovely flowers showed up at my home with a note that says "thank you for your son's ultinmate sacrifice and service to our country". The note wasn't signed; there wasn't a name. I pray that the person who was impressed by generosity, love and gratitude for my son would know the depth of the meaning of this for me. I thank you so very much from my soul. xx

Memoirs with Jeremy

I think of you as soon as my eyes open in the mornings.   I search for you all night among the stars as I dream.  I keep a close look at every reflection and shadow in case I can catch a glimpse of you.  You are always on my mind and in my heart.   Always – even when my heart and mind are quite or busy – you are always – every second of every day – at the forefront of my life.

I have journaled my feelings; even my darkest of despair moments.  I have written of our spiritual journey and visits.  I have shared in hopes of helping others and yes – in hopes to find comfort for myself.

I want to keep your memory alive – I don’t want anyone to forget or not know of your sacrifice; our sacrifice.  It means too much that you gave your life for others to return home to theirs.  It was so selfless and I am proud to be your mom.

Our lives as we knew it – stopped abruptly; brutally even when we learned of your transition.  I already knew, of course, I felt your anxiety and you were with me in spirit.  I couldn’t sleep and was distraught with anxiety and prayed that it be me not you.  What a challenge this all has been – for you first and now for us forever on this earthly plane.

My dear and precious son I miss you more than words could ever reflect.   What I know is that it was your life to live and your choice to go and I have the upmost respect for that.  Would I change it if I could – yes and no.   For me to be selfish and have you home at all costs would be too costly for you and for me.  You could have never have lived with saving your life in exchange for others or the outcome to injurious.  You would have been distraught and unhappy which means that a part of you would have suffered physical death in one way or another.  And for me; seeing you suffer like I know you would; a larger part of me would be at your side as I am now.

I think any parent would feel the same and if they were honest about where they are today they would say that a large part of them died with their child too.  You are such a part of me spirit, soul and body that even though physically you are not here; we are still very much connected and always for eternity will be.  There is no breaking this kind of bond and I am so thankful for that.

I love you Jeremy – I will see you in our dreams.

Proud Mom of

Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I have plunged forward trying to start over…..a new life; especially this past 24 months.  I have moved to a new town, purchased a new home, have added to my animal-family and am own my business.  My mom lives with me for a year now.  I have new doctor/s, shopping locally, etc.  Everything is “new”.  I will use the catchy phrase of “new normal” as I reflect over the last few years.

I am now facing this catchy phrase I used over and over at the inception of the tragedy for me and my family – my son’s transition to the afterlife.

This catchy phrase served me well I suppose – giving me hope and helped me focus to move on….but what I will tell you as a mom that has had to live without her child – there is NOTHING normal about this.

It is all different, but it is not normal to be on earth without my son.  You hope to go back to some kind of normalcy; especially in your heart and mind.  You struggle to be cheerful and happy – carefree.  But it is not in the cards for me now – not like before. 

I have learned to integrate Jeremy’s transition into my life, I have learned how to push down fear and tears, I have learned to control myself in front of others and I smile and am polite when I am not up to the task.

I look at others while they are laughing and being so carefree and I have to admit; I envy that kind of light heartedness (knowing we all have our burdens) and I wish for that kind of joy and giddiness again. 

I have more “good” days now and am much more functional and have created a “safe” place for myself.   I do laugh and act silly again; it is just not with the same breezy glee and untroubled heartiness that was in my life sharing life with Jeremy.

I am looking at five years of absence in April and am facing Jeremy’s 31^st birthday in March…..holidays are brutal but these dates are beyond comparison to any other.  Five years and we have missed out on so much with him.

Good news is – I know he is in a much better place.  Sometimes I think how stressed he would be with all that is going on in our world today.  Jeremy did three tours in Iraq and one in Afghanistan and I can tell you he would not be pleased with choices and decisions made in our Great Country.  I asked him once about how he felt about fighting in the Middle East and he said that it was better to have the war there than in the U.S.   I have to believe he knew exactly what he was talking about.

I don’t share these thoughts to say that there is not hope and that there can’t be happy times again.  It has taken five years for me to see some happy times and I am more “content” with my life now than I was even three years ago.

What I am sharing is that it isn’t normal to go before your children and it is still my opinion that it isn’t acceptable.  It is all play on words or how you view them, but sometimes it helps me to understand that no matter what I do, where I go or who I am with…..there is a large part of me that is missing.

I had a “real dream” with Jeremy Friday night the 22^nd:  Jeremy came home and I was with him hugging him and I could do nothing but cry and cry – he was consoling me….I said to him “I died with you” and he said “I know, Mom”.  He was about to visit someone and I had much to share that was so hard for me to share with him before he visited; very devastating news for him.  It was a soul wrenching dream and you would think that I would be jumping up and down with happiness but it was so intense and so real – it was very much the opposite.  It has been a long time since I visited with him spiritually and what I have surmised is that it helped me to let go of some deep wounds caused by others and to grieve with him – it was sad but cleansing.  My pain from others I can lay down now.  You are still very protective of your children no matter where they are or how far from home they are.

I love you Jeremy – thank you for helping me to heal once again. 

Proud Mom of

SSgt. Jeremy D. Smith 03-09-85-04-06-11