Memoirs with Jeremy

How can you be heartbroken and happy at the same time?  This is what I have asked myself for two years and half years.  How can you mend a broken heart?  How can you keep from crying when your heart hurts?

Then I remember.  This is why we are called survivors.  After the very darkest hours, if you survive, you make a choice to live on.  There are many parents who commit suicide and there are others who compromise their health to the point of no return and then there are those of us who make the choice to go forward and keep grounded.

No one wants to talk about these thoughts and desperation.  Many times it is too hard for others to hear.  But, the truth is that a parent can barely stay behind when their beautiful child has transitioned before them.  I have had, literally, three choices to join my son; I have felt my spirit return to my physical body.  For me the choice to stay grounded was for my daughter.  I could not in my broken heart contribute to more dark hours and heartache for her.

It has been a long, hard and bumpy road and I am beginning to join the human race a little more.  I have read that it takes a dad about a year to be able to go forward and for a mom it takes between two to three years.  I read this at the inception of my living hell on earth and I didn’t know if I could make it.  However, my beloved son kept saying in my heart and whispers in my ear “you can do it Mom”.  There is no way to explain the supernatural; there are no human words, but Jeremy gave me the strength to survive.  God, the Spirit of the heavens and earth has revealed much to me through my son.  I can say that Jeremy would have been the only one to assist me during the darkest hours to give me the will to move forward.

After the “darkest hours”; it was my daughter that kept and keeps me grounded.  I have new found patience of when it is my time to go Home we will all know that it is my time and I pray that I make my son proud and my daughter a legacy of truth, honor and strength.

The only way that I have been able to find happiness with a broken heart is being thankful for all that remains.  I would do this all again for I am honored to be Jeremy’s mom and I am so thankful that I was chosen to be his mom.  I find gratitude in my daughter and her family and am thankful for such awesome grandchildren.

I am thankful for the sun, moon, skies, trees, birds and my four legged children.  I am thankful for the beautiful earth and all that it provides us.  I am thankful l was born in the United States of American and I am thankful for all the men and women who have kept us safe and for those who still do.

I can only say that through the stains of heartbreak that this is how I find peace, comfort and gratitude.  I do have happy moments now.  I believe in time there will be more happiness and one day pure joy.

Thank you son for choosing me to be your Mom.  You have set the bar high for us all.  I love you, miss you and thank you for always showing your presence when I am in time of need.

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

 

 

Memoirs with Jeremy

9/11 is such a hard day for all of America; I honor each life that was lost, each life that was spared and each and every one who gave their lives in trying to save others.  May God be with all the families that mourn their loved ones; may you find peace.

I am ashamed to admit that I never knew or thought long of how hard it is to lose someone you love so much.  I have lost family members; it hurts but life seemed to move on after a while.  It was because of 9/11 that my greatest heartache was manifested.  My son and many of his friends joined the Marine Corps to help keep our country safe.

Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps, 3-09-85 – 04-06-11, fought to keep darkness at bay.  I am very proud of Jeremy and all of our men and women who were moved by courage and bravery to help keep American free.

Jeremy is my only son; the baby of the family, yet he taught each of us about life, love and strength.  We stood in awe every time he spoke with words of wisdom permeated with enlightenment that takes most of us all of our adult lives to accomplish.  It seemed he was born to be a Marine and now I know for sure it is so.

I have had so many supernatural experiences with my son since his transition.  They are fewer and further apart now, but he never fails to let me know that he does live on in a dimension that we will one day be together and share.

It has been a rocky and horrendous road for the last two years and five months…..but I have survived the nightmare of my beautiful son being ripped from me.  I have learned ways to cope and for each of us that will be different.   But, I say to anyone who is a survivor – do it your way.  Whatever works for you to find a little rest and peace in the agonizing reality of our children transitioning before us.

My daughter and I always have heavy hearts when we know what a family is about to endure when one of our men and women are KIA.  It is truly the darkest hours.  You have to find a reason to live on and survive such hopelessness; and you will. 

I was first strong for my daughter and also wanted my son to be proud of his Marine Mom.  That gave me a tremendous amount of determination.  As time has gone on I realize that there are other reasons to go forward; our life is a gift from Heaven and I felt very unappreciative of all the blessings bestowed me to throw my life away or sleeping every moment without participating in some way to get back on my feet.  For me it was my daughter and her family…. and nature.  I found myself in Nature and could see the very energy that connects each of us one to the other.

I am having more “good” days now than I was even six months ago.  I am finding ways to be part of life again.  No matter how small or insignificant it might be to an outsider; it is a huge step for me.

It is complex being a mom who has a child that has transitioned; moving forward is tricky.  There is so much pain, guilt and loss yet there is still life to be lived to the fullest.  Our lives will never be the same again and there will always be the place where our children should be.  I know that they want us to live and be happy; it is about finding a new way, a new normal to go forward and participate in the gift of life.

I would go through all of this again to be able to be Jeremy’s mom even though it doesn’t seem long enough – it is worth every fragile moment to have been that blessed.

May we continue to find peace and understanding and spread the gift of love to all.

 

Proud Mom of

Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps

 

I love you son