Memoirs with Jeremy

It is normal to resist the cold hard truth of losing a child....it is nearly impossible to wrap your mind around it.  In fact, it takes time to do so.  I am thankful for shock for it buffeted my mind from literally exploding with the news we received.  It is still so painful to ponder.

It has been three and a half years...give or take....and I can report progress.  I still have to be careful with triggers, but there has been marked progress.

The progress hasn't been overnight.  I look back and see the tiny steps taken and even though there were large steps backward; ultimately I have gone forward.  I have managed this cruel twist of fate into my life.

There is no magic formula and each parent has to do it their way....even if no one understands your way.  There is no short cut and you cannot hide from the truth; it always seeks you out.  No amount of sleeping or activity or no activity can change the fact that your child has left this dimension.  Your child is no longer with you.  So hard to swallow and so hard to bear.  It is so close to being unbearable I have wondered if I was going to make it and truth is.....sometimes I didn't want to make it.  There were many times I wanted to "go" too.  I found ways to stay.  In LARGE part my daughter kept me grounded along with my grands.  I was never actually suicidal and even remotely close to purposely hurting myself, but I would have gladly taken a bus on. 

I share this only to say if you are having these feelings it is truly not unnatural. (If you do truly contemplate suicide please seek professional help.......)  I have been open and honest about the dark side of grief because I think it should be exposed.  I do not think a parent should be in the dark alone and not feel safe about what they are feeling and going through.  I think the world needs to address grief and learn how to help those you are in the inception of their grief.  It isn't as though anyone can truly help you, but the comfort and understanding and the genuineness of truly being there can help wonders.

There is a balancing act to grief.  You can't just give way to it or it can consume you.  Cannot ignore it because it will overwhelm you.  You have to find the rhythm that belongs to you in the Universe and go at your own beat....your own heartbeat, your own pace; and do it your way.  By the way, there is no snapping out of it .......even years later.  It evolves and you evolve with it.

You learn to integrate the pain and loss in your life.  You learn to manage.  There are words used....surrender, accept.....  and honestly I have been guilty of the play on words.  But sometimes they just offend me.  But what I know for me is that ....that in and of itself was my way.  I never not accepted my son's transition but the word death is harsh.  Besides, I believe he lives on.....I know in my heart of heart Jeremy lives on......it is a death of sorts....his physical manifestation, but he lives in another dimension.  So I chose the word transition.  I have for a long time been aware of the spoken word and for me words are important.  Words can shift identification with form and reality, time and space.

In the end it doesn't matter the word or label.  What matters is that we as parent learn to go forward and live again.  Life is the best and most beautiful gift given to each and everyone of us.  It is to be lived and our sons and daughters....no matter their age......want us to go forward and find that new normal.  Even though we carry them in our hearts eternally and never forget them in any given day or moment; we can live again.  We can make new lives for ourselves.

I will be the first to tell you that being able to say that has been a long time coming.....a journey harder than I could every perceive.......but yet ....here I am.......cheering you on and saying:

You can do it.  At your pace and your rhythm ......your timing and your heart beat.....you can do it too.  Just give time....time.   And.....if necessary give it more time.....as much as you need and when you can ..... the unbearable becomes more bearable; and truly....the unacceptable does become acceptable......still sucks a tree trunk.....but we are strong and we can bring honor to our children by living.

In God I trust.......and in honor of my son.....Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

I love you Jeremy Daniel....you are my Sonshine xx

Memories with Jeremy

Three years.....four months......still counting......too long to go without seeing your son.  I have read and have been told that it takes between three to five years to be functional again.....no such thing as normal.....well, it is a new normal.

I have really positive ideas and thoughts.  I push forward with a spiritual knowledge that keeps me strong.  It doesn't matter how positive you are though.  You still miss them when they are gone from this earth.  You miss them more each day; each second of each day.  I am so hungry to see Jeremy, to hear his voice - especially his laugh.....it is simply agonizing.  It is still harder than hard.

I share my true feelings hoping that it is some kind of measurement to another parent who is searching for some kind of semblance of peace in the most unacceptable thing that could happen to you.  It is a tragedy and it always will be a tragedy.

I have moved recently.  My entire life has been turned upside down......but the move is a good one.  I moved from Dallas to East Texas over a year ago and have moved again....two moves in a year and half...no wonder I am weepy.  I have had to go through a lot of Jeremy's things and his pictures.....it all takes you have guard and hurts like hell.  It has caused a new stream of grieving.....I wanted to do this on my own and be independent from anything or anyone that would feel responsible for me.  I have to do this on my own......I am thankful to be able to do this alone actually.  I have too much on my plate to have anyone in my life ...... it helps me to be stronger on some dimension.

I have read that to not resist you accept the unacceptable.  I have stated on more than several occasions that this is never acceptable....it isn't.....but I think it is all a play on words.....I accept that Jeremy isn't coming home......I just don't accept that it is okay that he isn't coming home ever, ever  - ever again.  I accept that he chose his journey and I wouldn't change it.  If I were given the choice to change his destiny there is NO way I would interfere with his life, his journey or how "he did it his way".   It just isn't an acceptable fact that a child leaves this earth plane before a parent does....just isn't right for us.....as parents.....but, for Jeremy, it was his journey, his choice - his decision so perhaps it is right for him. I really struggle with the word acceptance, acceptable in this arena - it is just a word however.

As parents we are really just portals that our children travel through to the earth plane from a dimension that is infinite.   A dimension that is infinitely intelligent, loving and pure.  We get the blessing of bringing them forth and nurture them until they are ready to sojourn on their on.  We are merely vessels ....we do not own them.....they do not truly belong to us ...... they belong to themselves and to God ..... we are just blessed to have that special connection as a parent to help them to fulfill their destiny no matter how long or how short it is......

I may whine and cry and lament still.  But the truth never leaves me.  Jeremy had a life to live and he did just that......I have a life to live too and I am learning to see it as a gift to me again.....it is only through thanksgiving and love that I can dig in and go forth.

I love being Jeremy's mom.  I am so thankful - so very thankful I got to be his mom.

I love you son,

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC Marine Corps

Memoirs with Jeremy

When a devastating event happens in your life sometimes it takes years to recover;  You find there is no way to pick up your life again.  The only way to go forward is to find a new normal.....even if you don't want a new normal....things will never be the same. 
 Things will never be the same without our Jeremy.  He is so loved by his family and friends.  His sister and I are missing him more than any words could convey.  Jeremy is special on so many levels.
With that said; our lives have changed  - turned upside down.  I thought I would never find my way again.  I have had to make up my mind....make a focus and determined choice....make the decision to not suffer in darkness and to reach for happiness..  Believe me when I say....it is a choice and as easy as it sounds...it isn't.
I start each day focusing on the good and finding a bright and sunny thought....next thing you know I have another bright and sunny thought.  I count all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me.  First and foremost the honor of being Mom.
I have asked the question over and over....how can you be happy with a broken heart?
The only answer for me is the peace that surpasses all understanding.  Beneath all the sadness and tears there is a safe place - a place of comfort and peace......a place that holds beautiful spiritual truths and promises.  A place where truth and love are always present and promises are never broken.
I am thankful for what remains and knowing Jeremy fulfilled his destiny;
I am proud of both my children.....wish I could have been a better parent and friend in the past but look at the future to be a more spiritually powerful and positive influence.  I pray I fulfill my destiny....Jeremy set the bar high for us all.
In God I trust....always.
Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC

Memoirs with Jeremy

Sandra Kay Harris-Smithposted to‎Jeremy Smith

about a minute ago

I think of you so often Jeremy.....I love you more each day.... With the thoughts I have of you it comes to mind so often of the day...also knowing we knew what we knew.....and with great trepidation I asked you about your deployment.... "are you sure son?" You gave me an absolute and unequivocal "YES Mam"......your answer held no doubt, no waiver of emotion, but sold faith in where you were goi...ng and what you were up against. Pure Marine resolve. Purity in it's purest form.
Having turned this over in my mind with deep respect and impact; it has given me pause.....for those of us waiting on our final destination.
"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." It has been a revelation that not only was it "Marine Power", son; but the spiritual significance that it held and holds.....which had a tremendous influence on me and still today it holds great truths in who we are and what life is truly about.
What has impacted me the most is the combination of "Marine Power and Spiritual Power" that you stood in. I read "die before you die - and find there is no death". You had arrived son ..... there are no words for the love and honor I have for you.
You have raised the bar for us all; as I have said many times. It pivots me to live authentically, wisely.
I love you sunshine - with all my heart and soul.....xxx

Memoirs with Jeremy

I had every intention of writing on April 6th.  I have been almost paralyzed since November 2013.  I am just now coming out of my funk.

It seems I hit another plateau of grief. 

This is the most challenging thing I have ever done in my life experience.  I wish it wasn't my life experience.  But it is.

It's been three years plus since Jeremy's transition.  The darkest hours were tormenting.  I felt for sure I had gone to hell.  But....it is the darkest hours.  Denial and shock buff you from the brutal reality of losing your child.  It is a long road to travel...sometimes you don't travel.  Sometimes you are stagnant, just stuck in hell.  But somehow, someway you find the strength to go forward just a wee tiny bit more.  That is if you keep your eyes on the light and not the darkness that is all consuming and totally overwhelming.

There are no words for this hell.  There is no end to the torment and agony.  But, then you get a glimpse of light and you realize that you can survive this.  You realize that you need to survive this for whatever your personal stay button is.  Mine was/is my daughter and grands.  I could not leave and add more pain on top of their suffering.  I could not be anything but strong and make Jeremy proud of his Marine Mom.  Did I miss the mark?  Yes, many times.....but I am still here.  I am going forward.

I have made progress in some areas....I am more functional.  I choose the light.  The more light I surround my self with the stronger I am; the stronger my vibration is, the more I am linked to the Spirit.  This is where my strength is.  This is where the burden isn't as heavy.  This is where I find the peace and the will to go forward.  I am even wanting to make a new life for myself now.  I have spoken of the new normal and have reached for it.  I am at the threshold of a new beginning.  I have hope and even some joy about the prospects of having a new normal.

I maintain that this is still not "acceptable", but I have integrated more of the reality into my now life experience.   There doesn't seem to be a bone in my body that could or would accept this....I still want to protect Jeremy....I am his mom.....I come out fighting like a bear.  Although it is a ridiculous notion, I feel sometimes that I should have protected him....I should have kept him from harms way.  I am his mom, it was my duty, my job, my heart to keep him safe.  No matter his choices, his age, but then ..... it is and was his journey.  I understand......but I so want to protect him.

I do not have as many spiritual experiences as I did at the inception of my son's transition.   I have more of an eternal connection to him.  I on occasion have "real" dreams that include him.  I receive the occasional gift that comes out of nowhere....just mailed to me by random companies.  When I call and ask to return....they tell me to keep them.  It's usually a holiday....sometimes I am led to an item that I have had on my heart......it costs nothing or next to....a gift, if you will.  I share this to project my spiritual experiences with Jeremy.  I share because of the light and hope and promise of seeing him again, in the spiritual realm.

There was a dream recently with Jeremy.  He was in "uniform", he was "training", I was helping.  We were preparing for a battle, not a war exactly, but a battle.  It showed me how busy he is right now, he is enthralled in his task at hand.  It is a spiritual battle and he is at the "helm" preparing the way.

I have fought a difficult and exhausting battle to survive these three years.  I am still overcoming the darkness periodically, but it doesn't consume me now.  I have breaks in my mind that give me a reprieve and realize I have gone minutes, hours sometimes, without crashing.  Although the holidays through April were hard....I still survived.  I am stronger than before. I have learned the technique of shutting down the darkness and keeping the light on.  It consists of the good memories of Jeremy....sometimes I even laugh out loud....we had such a good time.  Sometimes I do something that is a dumbass move and I can hear Jeremy heehawing in another dimension.........  Some think I am "crazy" when I say these things.  It is my new life experience....I love that I am still connected to him......there is nothing that can keep me from him, except the darkness.

Hang on tight if you are in the inception of your living hell.  You learn to integrate the unthinkable into your life.....somehow, someway.  For each of us it is different.  I found my way and as I share today I pray that it helps to share just a little tiny sliver of a light .....from me to you.

God Bless you and yours......God Bless America and all her beloveds.

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United State Marine Corps, 03-09-85-04-06-11