Memoirs with Jeremy

I have mentioned before that I have been intensely researching grief; the loss of a child.  There are guidelines such as the seven steps of grief that help you to understand where you are in life with shock, denial and anger, etc.  I have found that I revisit each rung of the ladder going back and forth as if on an emotional rollercoaster ride.

I understand that we all grieve differently and it has helped me to learn that this can be an extreme difference one to the other.  I have had to have a lot of time to myself, while others have gone head first into working, travelling, etc.

I have learned that in most cases people do not know how to help you and it becomes the elephant in the room.  They do not know what to say and are afraid to bring anything up should it cause you pain. 

I was reminded of a book I read some time ago and after almost sixteen months of surviving my son’s physical death I have come to the fact that we are called survivors for a very good reason.  It is amazing that we can survive the loss of our child and in some cases children.  I honestly do not know how the body manages such excruciating pain physically, mentally and emotionally.

We are not in recovery.  We do not have an illness that we can recover from; this isn’t a physical healing.  Although, I do wish doctors could mend a broken heart. 

We will not get over our grief.  Our children have transitioned before us and that is not something that a parent gets over or through.    The loss of our children will never go away.  Although, I have prayed for my son to return; begged for it not to be true and bargained my life for his.

I am not a seasoned veteran as a bereaved parent, however;  it still feels like yesterday and admittedly I go back to denial still.

I cannot accept that my son has been taken from me and my family or more pointedly; I cannot accept the fact that he is d e a d…… I can’t even bring myself to say the word.  Part of my survival “technique” is that I don’t think of Jeremy in past tense because to me he is still very much alive in the spirit realm.  I have spoken of this often and have shared many treasured and personal experiences with him in the spirit realm.  His presence is powerful.

However; today the hard core truth and fact is that he is not with me on planet earth and he is no longer in the beautiful physical frame that God granted to him.  He is not with me physically and he will not return.  Even though I know he is alive and well just on the other side of the veil; I miss him until it hurts.  I long for his bear hug, his beautiful smile and contagious laugh.  I miss him and I long for him; my beautiful son, my baby.

The cold hard fact is that that will never change.  The truth is that we do not overcome, we do not get over them and we do not “get through” this; we are never done with it.

The truth is that we learn a new way to live.  It is a challenge to learn how to live again and go forward; it is also a process.  We learn to adapt to living our lives without them.  We learn a new way to handle our grief and place it somewhere special tucked in a safe place when we are around others.  We learn to grieve as time goes on so that we too do not physically die and mentally blow up.

Our lives are forever changed and the imprint on us of their loss will never go away.  Our values change, our priorities are different and we do not view the world as we did before.  Sometimes our belief systems changes or shifts, our views have been altered.  Our hopes and dreams with our child have been shattered.  We are changed forever and you don’t get over it, overcome it, recover from it or get through with it.  It is a learning process to adapt to the trauma that nearly takes us with them.

Some days I digress other days I go forward a tiny step or maybe even two.  But at the “level” I am today I am still learning to process the trauma of losing Jeremy.  I feel that adaptation will be on my path until the end of my own personal journey.

The only way I have survived the unthinkable and unimaginable is spiritually.  I cannot fathom that there is not a life after physical death.  What would be the point?  Life is chock full of lessons to be learned even before my son’s transition and I know that at my age that there is still so very much I do not know in many arenas.

But, I do know I feel my son’s presence, I have heard his voice, he has helped me and tucked me in at night when I couldn’t even make it to bed the grief so heavy on me.  I have seen his light energy.

My survival skill is going to the Higher Power, Higher Spirit, to God for strength, support, love, answers and peace.  It is truly the only peace I can find, it is the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I know I have been blessed with the visuals and audios of my son and not all parents get to “witness” that, however; the reason I share is to say to you that they are not d e a d ….. They are alive and happy, powerful and beautiful, serene and loving; they are watching over us.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Memoirs with Jeremy

How fortunate we are to have today to be thankful for

Each blessed breath that we take needing more

How thrilling that our bodies flow with blood through our veins

How mysterious that our bones holds up our frame

How glorious through the eye the beauty we conceive

Looking through the window of our souls to see

Our blood flows, rhythm of the breath, eyes looking, asking

How complex are we that we are constantly multi-tasking?

In the midst of our bodies functioning; are we counting our blessings?

Complex issues and politics burning red hot

Is it your God or my God who’s is not?

How many true Gods can there be

One for each nation internationally

Could it be that culture puts ideas in our heads?

That my God is your God and He’s not dead

I believe it is God and one Universal Mind

He is generously biding His time

The day will come and we will find out

That God is Universal with love that leaves no doubt

He’s my God; he’s yours and theirs too

He’s loving, kind, generous and sees you

He sees them and those and me as well

One Universal Mind, One Universal Spirit do tell

One Universal Love and God is waiting to hear it

Waiting on the whole world to be one in Spirit       


Sandra K. Harris-Smith 09/11/11                                                 

Memoirs with Jeremy

I have been reflecting on my son’s presence in my life since his transition; wondering how there are times he is so strongly present and other times it is a subtle presence.

It is quiet the paradox in that if I am grieving extremely hard there is the propensity to not sense his presence his vibration being so much higher than my vibration at the time; however, there have been times that the grief has been so overwhelming that he literally helped me to bed.

There have been days that I have felt lighter in spirit and consequently my vibration is higher yet I don’t feel his presence as strongly as I have at the times he has sat on the edge of my bed watching over me in my anguish.

I have spent a fair amount of time researching, reading when I can, listening to cds by seasoned spiritual leaders and although I feel I have come into my own; bearing witness via my spirit and being influenced hopefully by the Spirit only; I find there are still so many questions and thoughts regarding the nonphysical realm.

For example, I do believe there are “vibrational matches”; one lowering their energy and the other raising theirs to meet in the middle to “visit”.  I actually know that this has happened with my son and me but this meeting in the middle happens while I sleep.  There have been many times that I have felt my spirit go back into my body right before I wake and sometimes I remember fragments of our visits.

Then there have been the times that I have seen his energy and glimpsed his presence just hanging out with me and I am very much awake and in process of doing mundane chores. 

There are and have been a lot of moments I hear him speak words of encouragement of our connection and that he is right here with me.  There have been a few times I have actually heard his voice.

Yet, I cannot say that there is a definite formula after fifteen months of my son’s transition.  I do believe he has to lower his energy to “be with me”.  I believe this because I have seen his energy and it is moving at such a high rate of speed that should I actually encounter his full vibrational energy it would probably destroy me.  However; I don’t think that my energy affects whether he is with me or not because there have been too many times that my vibration is low with depression and despair yet he helps me, guides me and reaches out to me.  

I will have to contradict myself and say at this time that perhaps that there is the midnight that I have encountered and I believe that if I don’t let his light shine on that darkness then he cannot help me.  Another thought is if I am not willing to shed the darkness and come into the light he cannot help me.  With that said, there have been times we have actually had a laugh together and it just came “out of the blue” while I am awake and in the physical realm.

I am pondering today the thought that it is not my son that withdraws himself but that it is I who withdraws due to the fact that it takes so much energy and strength at this juncture for me to “stay in the light”.

I don’t like admitting that it is much easier to succumb to the depression and pull the sheets over my head and sleep forever than it is to get up, get dressed and get motivated to reach for the light, meditate or interact and intersect with life but it is nonetheless true.  There are days that I can do nothing more than let my mind, heart and body rest and heal; my soul nourishing itself as I rest and sleep perhaps.

I believe that my son’s presence is always with me but that it is I who shuts him out not meaning to but just by doing menial tasks, chores, and/or entertainment to keep my mind off reality.  I think this means that I am not always letting my soul level be in the driver’s seat but am relinquishing parts of my control over to my mind; perhaps taking a break if you will from it all.

Not that I am judging myself for this because I think it too is part of the healing process for me, however; I believe that if the mind is in control then my spirit isn’t present enough to sense my son’s spirit.  So if I am literally taking a break and am totally in the physical realm then perhaps spiritually there is static in the spirit realm on my end.  It is as though I put everything on pause and in a holding pattern until I can return for more spiritually.  However; that is truly where the strength and healing are; in the spirit realm, in the light and where the energy and life force resides.

I believe if I keep a larger portion of control at my soul level then I am more apt to be connected to my son and others just on the other side of the veil and in keeping a larger portion of the spirit in control then I am not disconnecting but finding a balance between walking spiritually in the physical realm.

I could suffice it to say that it is about finding balance in being a spirit wrapped in a body travelling the path of my journey while learning to balance my steps and footing when the road gets bumpy or have a challenge to face.

Thinking out loud but in love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Memoirs with Jeremy

I have had a few friends contact me lately.  It was really good to hear from them.  I have missed my friends, however; it seems that Jeremy’s transition is the elephant in the room no one wants to address.  It has been said to me so many times….. “I just don’t know what to say”. 

I think we are the only country that doesn’t properly address transition.  For me talking about my son brings me joy; sharing his memories is very healing and I relish the opportunity to get to say his name. 

I am not well versed on how other countries address losing their loved ones, but I do know that many of them look at it as a celebration and on the anniversary of the transition date/s it is celebrated.

 I try very hard to do this myself.  Not out of any idea, custom or influence except that it is the most positive and feel better place I can be.

It is still difficult in this realm to accept that he has transitioned and I am missing him more than ever.  But, once again, I remind myself that Jeremy lives on in another dimension.  I promise this is not a crutch for me; there have been too many visits and guidance from my son to consider this a “crutch”; albeit it does bring the energy and life force to his transition that is healing for me.

I have sliver of moments that the reality of his departure hits my brain so hard that it almost splinters.  I had another one today.  It is sheer agony and I could slip into oblivion from such pain and insanity.  I have to grasp for the light; the life that is in that life to survive such breaks in my psychic.  It is an extremely terrifying place and experience.  I cannot bear to be there more than a split second.  I think that after over a year that I could come to a larger place of acceptance, but my mind cannot handle the full blow of it just yet.  

I would like to say that I believe I am in some denial still; I believe that the level of grief I am in is still protecting me from the full force of reality; this kind of reality can truly destroy you mentally, emotionally and physically.  It is the midnight my son spoke of and urged his family not to stay in this midnight.  It was truly words of wisdom and has probably saved each of us to some extent or another.

This is why I speak so often of the light.  The life force energy that is within this light is a very high vibrational light.  It is life and energy abound.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

Memoirs with Jeremy

Independence Day was a lot harder on me than I expected it to be.  I am still recovering from the absence of my son in the physical realm and how nice it would have been to come together as a family and celebrate.

I did take my Yorkie for a wee swim.  She loves to swim and I felt that Jeremy coaxed me to take her; of course I enjoyed it too.  I did hot dogs in honor of Jeremy and the swim because he wanted me to take a dip.  It did help my mood considerably.

Yesterday, however; I couldn’t help but to think over and over that what I seem to have left in life right now is memories.  My entire family lives somewhere else and it seems I have been saying bye to everyone for years and the finality of the physical realm of saying goodbye to my son drives this home even harder. 

Well, as a family we did not get the opportunity to say bye to Jeremy.  There was really no closure.  I don’t relish the idea him being marked as the first man to be killed by a drone – but that is the legacy that is left the family.  I asked the Houston Chronicle to please do an article about Jeremy the man, Jeremy the Marine and they did so – it was a beautiful article.

I am looking out the window as I share with you.  What I have done today to nourish my soul and broken heart is to find life in everything I look upon; trees, birds, squirrels, flowers.  This helps me to focus on life and in focusing on life it helps me to remember that Jeremy is alive.  When I focus on his transition it keeps me in the now, the present and pivots me to the spiritual realm where the light is; this light never goes out.  The spirit realm is full of light, love and vibrational energy of life.

I will try to remain in this vibration today and keep myself aligned with the Light Source for it is where the healing is as well. 

I am reminded also today that our real time on planet Earth is not the same in the nonphysical realm; I must learn to be patient and concentrate not just on finishing my journey, but doing so with a heart and soul aligned with Spirit.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx