Memoirs with Jeremy

Christmastime has always been my favorite holiday of the year.  I have always gone all out with lights, displays, ornaments big tree and all the glitter.

I am proud to report that I have done so this year.  It has taken inner core strength but I have a home that is full of light and Christmas décor.

I have said before that in some ways I feel I am with Jeremy more than when he was with us in the physical realm.  I say it is so today and has been since he transitioned.  I am not feeling his presence as strongly when the darkest hours were upon us, but still he makes sure to communicate on so many different levels to let me know that he does live on; just a different kind of "deployment".

I find I do things for Jeremy too.  Including the Christmas décor and happy memories of which we have many.  I "share" coffee with him and some of his favorite meals.  I will purposely do something just because I know how much he loves it.

I am finding the new normal.  My Christmas day with Jeremy has been a specific movie that "we" watch together along with whatever Christmas joy that can be mustered.

He tells me ALL the time "I am with you Mom" and I know he is.  If I focus on his life and beautiful strong energy and his transition, I find I am stronger and braver than I could ever believe possible.  I cannot focus on his physical demise for it is too difficult, dark and such strong, powerful negative emotion.  I miss him in this realm so very, very much, but I am so happy for Jeremy that he is safe, secure, warm, happy and loved and can take the time to do his hearts desire.

In my son's memory this year at Christmas I hope that love, peace, joy and contentment finds a never ending place in our hearts.

I love you son with every passing moment - I love you more than words could ever convey.  Proud Mom of SSgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC - xxxxxx

Memoirs with Jeremy

It has been two years and eight months.....I have survived my son's physical departure.  Now I must live.....if I am to survive then I must make the most of what is left of my own personal journey.  Still, I survive as a Marine Mom, a mom and a grammy but I must learn to live for myself as well.  A new normal is has been evolving, a new me is growing and now it is time to make a life for myself.

May God, Energy, Source, Mother Nature, all our ascended masters, our angels and every source the Universe provided us be with those of us on this most challenging journey.  God be with those of you in your darkest hours and know you will survive - this will not pass but you learn to integrate a broken heart into a place of peace knowing that your beautiful child is in a much better place than we could ever imagine; a place of love that even surpasses our love for our beloveds.

Peace, strength and courage keep us sane; angels and our children keep us safe and the God and Spirit of all teach us on this path that we travel today and the rest of our physical lives on earth.

Sandra
Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps, 3-9-85- 4-6-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

Holidays are brutal.  They are also bitter-sweet.  You are torn in half by what is changed and what remains.  My heart is with my family but it wanders to my son and at any moment it could be all consuming; grief is brutal.

You put on a face and go through the motions not wanting to impart any kind of energy that is sad.  Yes, very sad indeed.  So you learn to pretend and plaster that smile.  You sway and dance to music when all the while…..you want to give in.  It is too hard and so brutal.

Sooner than you realize more than two years have gone by.  Pretending has developed in a new state of heart and you can laugh and share good moments with your family and the smile becomes more genuine over time.  Even though there will always be a crack, a hole in that broken heart you come to realize that your beloved is still a huge part of your life wanting to be remembered and forever connected.

Jeremy is still such an enormous part of me.  It is as though the umbilical cord is between us; connecting one to the other with a glorious flexibility that gives us each freedom but tethered in a way that we can bounce in and out of our lives as we always did in the physical realm.  I try to remember that Jeremy has just gone home and it’s a bit further than it has been before.

Although I would love to have that manifested physical hug, smile and that precious laugh of his that it so contagious…….I feel – literally feel his energy and presence every day and every moment of every day.  He has promised to never leave me and always be by my side to help guide me through the most important part of my spiritual journey.

Some days I am so tired and exhausted with the life experience that this has brought me.  The truth is…..I would do it all again just to get to be Jeremy’s mom.  I LOVE being his mom.  I LOVED watching him with his sister.   I love the loyalty he has for his friends, his family and his country.

May we all find the sweetest and most precious moments that the holidays afford us with our loved ones.

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps

Memoirs with Jeremy

How can you be heartbroken and happy at the same time?  This is what I have asked myself for two years and half years.  How can you mend a broken heart?  How can you keep from crying when your heart hurts?

Then I remember.  This is why we are called survivors.  After the very darkest hours, if you survive, you make a choice to live on.  There are many parents who commit suicide and there are others who compromise their health to the point of no return and then there are those of us who make the choice to go forward and keep grounded.

No one wants to talk about these thoughts and desperation.  Many times it is too hard for others to hear.  But, the truth is that a parent can barely stay behind when their beautiful child has transitioned before them.  I have had, literally, three choices to join my son; I have felt my spirit return to my physical body.  For me the choice to stay grounded was for my daughter.  I could not in my broken heart contribute to more dark hours and heartache for her.

It has been a long, hard and bumpy road and I am beginning to join the human race a little more.  I have read that it takes a dad about a year to be able to go forward and for a mom it takes between two to three years.  I read this at the inception of my living hell on earth and I didn’t know if I could make it.  However, my beloved son kept saying in my heart and whispers in my ear “you can do it Mom”.  There is no way to explain the supernatural; there are no human words, but Jeremy gave me the strength to survive.  God, the Spirit of the heavens and earth has revealed much to me through my son.  I can say that Jeremy would have been the only one to assist me during the darkest hours to give me the will to move forward.

After the “darkest hours”; it was my daughter that kept and keeps me grounded.  I have new found patience of when it is my time to go Home we will all know that it is my time and I pray that I make my son proud and my daughter a legacy of truth, honor and strength.

The only way that I have been able to find happiness with a broken heart is being thankful for all that remains.  I would do this all again for I am honored to be Jeremy’s mom and I am so thankful that I was chosen to be his mom.  I find gratitude in my daughter and her family and am thankful for such awesome grandchildren.

I am thankful for the sun, moon, skies, trees, birds and my four legged children.  I am thankful for the beautiful earth and all that it provides us.  I am thankful l was born in the United States of American and I am thankful for all the men and women who have kept us safe and for those who still do.

I can only say that through the stains of heartbreak that this is how I find peace, comfort and gratitude.  I do have happy moments now.  I believe in time there will be more happiness and one day pure joy.

Thank you son for choosing me to be your Mom.  You have set the bar high for us all.  I love you, miss you and thank you for always showing your presence when I am in time of need.

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

 

 

Memoirs with Jeremy

9/11 is such a hard day for all of America; I honor each life that was lost, each life that was spared and each and every one who gave their lives in trying to save others.  May God be with all the families that mourn their loved ones; may you find peace.

I am ashamed to admit that I never knew or thought long of how hard it is to lose someone you love so much.  I have lost family members; it hurts but life seemed to move on after a while.  It was because of 9/11 that my greatest heartache was manifested.  My son and many of his friends joined the Marine Corps to help keep our country safe.

Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps, 3-09-85 – 04-06-11, fought to keep darkness at bay.  I am very proud of Jeremy and all of our men and women who were moved by courage and bravery to help keep American free.

Jeremy is my only son; the baby of the family, yet he taught each of us about life, love and strength.  We stood in awe every time he spoke with words of wisdom permeated with enlightenment that takes most of us all of our adult lives to accomplish.  It seemed he was born to be a Marine and now I know for sure it is so.

I have had so many supernatural experiences with my son since his transition.  They are fewer and further apart now, but he never fails to let me know that he does live on in a dimension that we will one day be together and share.

It has been a rocky and horrendous road for the last two years and five months…..but I have survived the nightmare of my beautiful son being ripped from me.  I have learned ways to cope and for each of us that will be different.   But, I say to anyone who is a survivor – do it your way.  Whatever works for you to find a little rest and peace in the agonizing reality of our children transitioning before us.

My daughter and I always have heavy hearts when we know what a family is about to endure when one of our men and women are KIA.  It is truly the darkest hours.  You have to find a reason to live on and survive such hopelessness; and you will. 

I was first strong for my daughter and also wanted my son to be proud of his Marine Mom.  That gave me a tremendous amount of determination.  As time has gone on I realize that there are other reasons to go forward; our life is a gift from Heaven and I felt very unappreciative of all the blessings bestowed me to throw my life away or sleeping every moment without participating in some way to get back on my feet.  For me it was my daughter and her family…. and nature.  I found myself in Nature and could see the very energy that connects each of us one to the other.

I am having more “good” days now than I was even six months ago.  I am finding ways to be part of life again.  No matter how small or insignificant it might be to an outsider; it is a huge step for me.

It is complex being a mom who has a child that has transitioned; moving forward is tricky.  There is so much pain, guilt and loss yet there is still life to be lived to the fullest.  Our lives will never be the same again and there will always be the place where our children should be.  I know that they want us to live and be happy; it is about finding a new way, a new normal to go forward and participate in the gift of life.

I would go through all of this again to be able to be Jeremy’s mom even though it doesn’t seem long enough – it is worth every fragile moment to have been that blessed.

May we continue to find peace and understanding and spread the gift of love to all.

 

Proud Mom of

Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Corps

 

I love you son

Memoirs with Jeremy

Memoirs with Jeremy April 6, 2013

It has been two very hard years.  It hasn’t gotten easier, in fact, in many ways it is harder.  The longer I go without seeing my son, hugging him and doing all the things that mom’s do for their sons…..the harder and more intense it becomes.

I have to stay focused on that Jeremy’s transition was his destiny; choosing his own personal journey.  I stay focused on that he lives on in another dimension.  I don’t focus on….I should say I cannot focus on…..his physical departure….it is just too hard….it is too much; that is grief.  Faith is that he is still with us and lives on in a glorious dimension I call Home.  It’s a pendulum that swings back and forth but the connection to the life force of energy always prevails.

I am more functional now.  I believe that time has helped, but not in acceptance as much as learning to integrate such trauma into my life.  I chose to see this as an opportunity to implement and integrate everything I have learned from my son’s earthly journey and transition.  I am still molding this life experience into life knowing this is now my journey and it is up to me to make the very best of what remains.

My awareness is more fined tuned because of Jeremy’s transition.  It seems the pain of having to bear this cross keeps me aware of others.  There are few filters if any because life is full of sadness and the futility of existence bears heavy on my mind and soul, yet the sheer pain polishes a new meaning in life; seeing more clearly and deeply; feeling more empathy and more sensitive to body language and how others respond to situations.  

The most sensitive of those around us, the ones who feels things deeply are those who touch hearts and more importantly souls; I pray I touch lives with light even though I come from a dimension of sensitivity and vulnerability from Jeremy’s transition.  It somehow makes you more humane and causes depths of growth spiritually.  You either grow or stagnate so I press on to the light.

The enlightenment that comes from such a tragedy certainly puts things into perspective.  My priorities have been drastically changed.  Really, there is but one and it encompasses all dimensions and arenas; love and respect whatever journey the other is on; you may never know what has brought them to the place they now stand.  We all are searching…..never quite feeling at home.  No matter how good it gets; always wanting and needing more.  We are never finished with our dream and we continue to create another day, another moment until we too return Home.

The peace I find knows that Jeremy has returned Home.  He is at peace.  He is happy and content, in fact, joyful.  I have heard him say how beautiful Home is and that there aren’t earthly words to describe the love that abounds there.  He has spoken of the beautiful colors and that he is learning and growing all the time.  He has shown me how happy he is.  The joy emanates from him; coming from the inside and glowing outwardly.  It is pure beauty.  I can’t be anything but happy for him and every day I remind myself that grief is about me not Jeremy.

I have finally reached a stepping stone in that I wish to live on now.  I am looking forward to the new life.  All I have done for two years is exist; I have hope for a life with meaning and filled with love; touching every creature I can with the energy of light.

I have a stronger conscious awareness than I have ever…..I pray that I wring out every morsel of knowledge, wisdom and enlightenment from this tragedy so that I may get a “job well done” when my journey is complete.  I have made emotional blunders in the fog of grief, but I pray that I have made Jeremy proud as a Marine Mom.

I truly have much comfort in that Jeremy is Home.  He has left a beautiful imprint on all those who encountered him, for a second or a life time, he has moved the bar high for us all.  Jeremy has left a beautiful legacy and I know it will remain in us forever.

Dedicated to my beautiful son; sharing in hopes it brings others some comfort and light. 

In Memory of:

Staff Sergeant Jeremy D. Smith, United States Marine Core

03-09-85 – 04-06-11

 

Memoirs with Jeremy

 

Where there is pain, there will be strength.

Where there is sadness, there will be wisdom.

And where there is fear, there will be renewal.

 

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 – 04-06-2011

Memoirs with Jeremy

The only way I survive Jeremy's transition is keeping my eyes on his "life now". I cannot endure this without the knowledge, faith/trust that Jeremy does live on. I am convinced that Jeremy (and Jerry, Shay, etc.) agreed to this in another dimension and in the light of expedient growth spiritually chose this destiny for us all. It is the only way I can make sense of it – all though there are many arenas to this, i.e., all the lives/spirits he touched in his physical form. There were so many lives in the battlefields that he ministered to and kept together in their darkest hours; as has been shared with me. I am so proud of him and have learned greater depths to who he was while journeying with us in this life. I am amazed at the strength and the presence spiritually that he moved in. His growth spiritually while in combat seems a paradox yet evident in his life when he returned home. I had the blessing of watching him walk the talk while he lived with me. I stood in amazement on a daily basis.

I thought in the beginning grief would kill me and often times wished it would. I have staggered from the "midnight" (Jeremy's word) into light and Jeremy was the one there holding my hand, tucking me into bed, sitting on the side of my bed night after night watching over me; telling me I can do this. "You can do this, Mom". How selfish grief truly is. He is the one that experienced more harshness in life; things that few could endure and still have such light in his that permeated his being (hence, the paradox). I know he watches over each of us and that he cheers us on.

While we sit in church becoming more spiritual and spreading the love to those in the church Jeremy walked the "shores of Galilee" in real life. It is a testament to be sure. Not meaning to sound caustic ....but our military endures horrors so that we can live a life of freedom and ask nothing in return.  I have seen my son humbled by those who thanked him.  His service truly came from the core of his being.

Am I an advocate of war.....no more than you……yet there are those who have tried to take our security …. I think and thank all of you that stepped to the plate regarding 9/11…

I have lived by Matthew 6:25-36, but it has deeper meaning for me today. You make choices as a survivor and mine is that I am in the hands of God (with Jeremy right there) and the Universe provides every small morsel I need to get through every second of every day. Then before you know it you have managed a day without Midnight beckoning you; each day provides a little more light with many storms between each heartbeat.

I don't "hear" from Jeremy as often, but there is no doubt he is always with me; one foot in the door always. The connection is greater than anything I can imagine. The oneness in all things is so evident that I feel him in the breeze, see him in the trees and hear his voice at all times within me. I have had many spiritual connections with him…each one almost "magical" yet so real....I have literally seen his energy.

I cannot imagine a parent going through this without the vibration of life, the energy of Spirit, the loyalty of God, the love and wisdom of Jesus and all ascended “masters”….

I choose to celebrate April 06, 2013 as Jeremy's rebirth day. :) His birth day in March has a horrendous effect on me, but I did do better this year.

I wish I knew to the depth what I know now, but it is about each of us growing up, completing our personal journeys-being true to ourselves and respecting all walk ways of life; respecting the spirit in each of us.

 

Memoirs with Jeremy

March 9^th

On this very special day a precious soul was gifted to me.   A gift then and forever he will be.  This beautiful gift filled with laughter, love and joy; soon became a man that would too rapidly deploy.  A soul on his own private journey knowing always what his life was meant to be.  To love, honor and protect his family and his country.  His heart was always full of compassion.   He persevered with every task at hand and had the resolve to complete every made decision.  His forgiveness always seeped in love.  The depth of his commitment most knows not of.  His loyalty permeated him with strength; all things done in unconditional love.

This small precious gift opened as a flower with grace, fragrance and almighty power.  A beautiful soul of substance and value grew into a Marine of valor.  Too soon this precious soul has finished his earthly journey returning to his safe home……. I sure miss you honey; I love you with a love that is immutable and infinite. 

Mom of Staff SSgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC 03-09-85 -04-06-11

Memoris with Jeremy

The day of love:

As a mom I learned so many things spiritually; I only wanted my children to feel loved, secure and happy.  Their spirits so innocent and pure and it was my “job” to teach, mentor and lead by example.

I learned what true patience is when you love someone unconditionally.  I have learned that being kind is much more important than being right.  I found that there was not a place for jealousy where true loves abides.  I felt that bragging on me for a job well done did not feel good and that in giving credence where credence is due my soul soared. 

I realized how hideous arrogance is and that by building others self-esteem I was wondrously blessed.  Although I failed at being the “perfect” mom I wanted to lead by example in all things so my children would learn via that example to understand that acting unbecomingly avails not. 

My life was and is about them and not about seeking pleasure entirely for myself but finding pleasure and joy in blessing them; there is no greater joy.  I found that my endurance as a mom was immeasurable and my children could never provoke me to the point of acting unbecomingly to them.  They could even wrong me and I rather suffer the wrong and take no accounting of what was said or done but return a steadfast love to them instead and use the incident in love to teach them right from wrong. 

On this journey with my children while growing up with them in all dimensions I found ways to deliver truths regarding unrighteousness and taught those truths on every occasion given me. 

I was given strength to bear all things, expand my beliefs spiritually in all things, found hope in all things for them and to this day my love for them is so strong I would endure anything for them. 

In this journey with my children as a human being I have fallen short of the mark but wanting to be the best mom in the world I found that even though I was not perfect my love for them is; it’s pure and unconditional and it never fails.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

4: Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5: does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6: does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7: bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  8: Love never fails;

Now my children are grown and my life continues; down the path of my journey I sojourn.  I want to truly grasp love to all. 

I pray that my spirit always honors the spirit in you without jealousy or judgment, being kind and not provoked regardless of color, race, spiritual belief or political views; overlooking wrongs; being kind instead of right, arrogant or boasting.  I pray that I walk in hope and strength knowing that love never fails me and that love never fails you.

To me this is what love is – Happy Valentine’s Day xx

 

I miss you son and love you uncondtionally.  I always have and every second of every day I love you more.  xx Mom

Memoirs with Jeremy

As I travel my path since April 2011 I have had many curves, potholes and passage ways that I have had to learn to maneuver creating opportunities to be strong enough to hold fast to my personal journey.

I am learning to stay on track and take the lighted pathway.  I have learned to not stay in Midnight when that path leads to darkness; I have learned to stay in the light where life and love abounds.

I have learned to focus on powerful intentions of focusing on my son’s transition of energy and returning “home”; completing his own journey, living life his way.  I try always to stay away from his physical departure and concentrate on where he is now in a lovely place of joy and love

I fell into apathy at the inception of “our tragedy”; I didn’t care much about anything other than my daughter and her family.  There was not an ounce of passion for anything except for the love of my family.  I have had to learn a new normal, creating a life that I can implement my new learned skills of survival and being a pathfinder in what is a most challenging life for me now.

I have and am still learning to be my authentic self and not carry the burden of my cross where it can be seen, keeping it in the shadows of my heart where grief is becoming compatible to a new kind of love for life; a gratitude and thankfulness for the gift of life. 

I am so thankful I am Jeremy’s mom; it is the most precious gift I have been given and I would do it all again to be part of his physical life and have the blessing of sharing that with him. 

I thought I was appreciative before of having the blessing of parenting both my children and now the pleasure of my daughter and her family has reached new heights; the depth, breadth of my soulful and humble appreciation and love for my family is much more intense and from the soul.

I stand in a new reality today.  My entire life was turned upside down.  I am the same person but with a new appreciation for what remains and what is really important in our journey.  I thought that my perception of love, life and light was healthy before my son’s transition, but I have since learned so much in terms of respecting other’s journey and loving and honoring the spirit that resides within them, from the soul wishing the best of intentions for everyone everywhere. 

I have the will to live, to be a strong Marine mom and hopefully a pillar of light to those who are lost in their darkest hours by sharing my journey in hopes that some small morsel will breathe life into even one person who is in need of a helping hand out of their Midnight.

I pray that we all reach our full potential while we travel our individual journey intersecting with each other along the way and that the gift of life and love be our priorities one to the other.

Namaste,

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

I write from a loving connection to the beautiful energy and spirit of my son and the Universal Love of God.

Memoirs with Jeremy

Memoirs with Jeremy

Grief as shown me the depth of love I have for my son.  Grief has taught me that the capacity of love is the breadth and width of the vastness of the Universe; never ending.  Grief has shown me that it is the expression of profound love.  It has taught me the love of God.

The more we loved the greater the grief and grief is directly proportionate and related to the greatness, the vastness of the love we have for our children.

I think we as parents have great hope that the news delivered to us is wrong, a mistake, and that this cannot be truth.  In the process of denying the truth it can potentially make us more vulnerable for when we come out of the time warp of denial the pain increases and the hope we had for our children come crashing down in full force.

I don’t think there is a doubt in my mind that had there not been some denial that I could not have survived the news that my son is now physically gone from this world.  I am very thankful for shock and denial and even though it leaves us vulnerable it also helps us cross the bridge of reality.

There is no doubt that grief has affected me emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I didn’t realize how I would be affected socially.  It has been hard to be around those who are happy and joyful.  I love that they are, however; I feel like a big dead tree in the middle of a plush garden bringing the beauty of it down with me.

It is a phenomena how in the midst of such grief and sorrow that you can intermingle other emotions such as joy and peace.  It seems to spring forth from the unconditional and infinite love we have for our children knowing that they are by far in a much better place.  Holding tight to the beautiful memories and the undeniable love between mother and child is immutable, never changing, never ending; infinite.

In love and understanding,
Sandra xx